(Sup, guys. It’s the Tragic Trollpasta Gangsta, after going into a fucking huge mental breakdown, to fuck up even more… shitty stories? What was it again? Also I’m tired of the fucking theme song. Oh yeah, before I get started on the subject this review, I should probably mention that Judge angels WAS apparently a creepypasta made by some Taiwanese girl on DeviantART with a HUGE following among fangirls, and it got a fuckload of fanart, actually like typical Jeff the Killer formula creepypastas. Trivial, I know, but fun to think about nonetheless. For me, it wasn’t the worst story in the giant pile of dog shit that I have to dig through, but the logic of that story was SO horrible that made me got into a mental breakdown in the first place, then I got a lot of fucking nightmares, not about the story, but about that time when I got constantly bullied in elementary school, but fuck it I’m not going to hurt my already miserable mind any further. So, to calm myself down, I bought a fucking Nue Houjuu dakimakura so I would stop crying over my miserable past, and THEN I bought even more cans of Pepsi for maximum stress relief. I was originally planning to buy some $uicideboy$ merch to make me feel better about myself, but they were sold as soon as they were put up on sale so I said, meh, fuck it.
Anyways, after all of that sad bullshit, since I don’t want to hurt my mind any further ofor the time, I think it’s time to switch on something different: Stories that were ACTUALLY okay even for the present, but somehow got moved to TPW, which is why I didn’t edit the name of the stories in the first place. Those stories are called “Aura . exe” and “Doctor Hate”, which are also video games creepypastas, the type of creepypastas I tend to specialize more at, but not exclusively. Plus, the only reason they were OK stories so far is because the comments on these stories said that they were actually okay and didn’t deserve to be moved to TPW, or so I’ve heard, since the only way to find reason within these stories are to review them if they’re good or not. Thus, I’m not going to be too harsh with more positive reviews, though granted that doesn’t mean I won’t make fun of the story or its flaws. But, my mission is going to find reasons on why those creepypastas WERE good for their own time. So, the first one we’re going to tackle is Aura . exe, a video game story with a bit of… religious themes, but who gives a fuck really, I can’t waste more time here anyways, so let’s get on the review. This is “Aura . exe”!)
Okay, I just had to tell this to someone, no one appears to listen to me, those douchebags. (…Fuck me with a fifty foot dildo. This story throws the fucking “idiots don’t believe in paranormal shit” cliché STRAIGHT from the start of this story, which was also thrown in the end of Judge angels. But I wouldn’t complain, at worst I’m expecting this story to be half-good.) This story is infiltrating my head like someone injected it in my brain with a syringe. I'm typing at lightning speed right now (I know this might be another cheap shot, but don’t you find making two analogies at the same time a tad bit pointless? At least these analogies don’t instantly remind me of Touhou 14, that story fucking sucks ass.), but I must find someone who understands me.
Here's the deal, it was about 5 months ago, I was in my neighborhood checking out the people selling their junk in the garage sale. (Wait. NO, NOT THE FUCKING GARAGE SALE CLICHÉ, I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE FUCKING GOOD!!) Right now this may look like a crappy horror movie, but I SWEAR this is what happened! (Nevermind, at least the author is aware that they’re shoving a cliché in this part so I’ll give them that) OK anyways, I was browsing the stuff when I saw this cool stand selling video games. My eyes gazed upon a weird envelope thing. It had AURA written with a reddish tint of sorts. I felt the round, cold shape of a CD just loose inside the package. (People nowadays ACTUALLY store CDs in refrigerators?.......................... Um, okay, I know that was fucking terrible, so you CAN stop doing that now!) I looked for whoever was selling this. It was a man who looked like the last person you would imagine selling a video game. It was a pale-skinned short man, very thin and a haircut like an old monk. I asked what he wanted for AURA. Suddenly, like a thunder just hit the man, he took the envelope from me and ran off to the inside of his house, never to be seen again. (I have a question: If he didn’t want you to buy the game, then why would he put it on the stand in the first place? So far, I’m only finding shit in this story, but maybe let’s just don’t expect much from the first part because we all know where it’s fucking going!) I did a quick search on my regular video game store, but the only response they gave me was that it was a very obscure game made by some man who hung himself in the mental asylum he was in. (At least the protagonist fucking bothered to research about the game before actually playing it, so now it’s already better than Touhou 14! But, I have one SMALL problem: How did the guy made the game while locked up in a mental asylum? There are no fucking computers in asylum cells, let alone having the mental state to fucking develop games in the first place!............................. Wait, did he made the game before he got thrown in the mental asylum? THEN YOU COULD JUST GET RID OF THE VAGUE WRITING BY SAYING THAT HE MADE THE GAME BEFORE HE WAS LOCKED IN THE MENTAL ASYLUM! *takes a nearby can of Pepsi, then sips it for a bit to calm down* Just in case you were wondering, I’m still expecting this to be at least substantial) I was starting to think that was the plot of the game, rather than it's actual creator's fate. (Okay, I know that insane assholes may make games about themselves but HOW did you instantly came to that conclusion? That’s like assuming that someone who likes music automatically keeps over one hundred vinyls in their bedroom! I’m not even trying to be offensive here, one of my friends are LIKE that, but goddamn, at least TRY to make sense of yourself! This had potential over Touhou 14!) I asked if they sold it, but the only response I got was: "No, Nobody sells it, give up now!". (What’s the point of giving this dickhead an aggressive tone now? Is the game SO shitty he had to persuade people to not look for it?) I left the store with a feeling of discomfort. Suddenly, I felt a breeze and a man in a huge jacket ran by me, almost slamming me to the ground.
Z (Why exactly is there an uppercase letter Z here? The author could’ve easily fixed this. Whatever, fuck this, I’m going to focus only on the story.)
I realized he dropped something. When I saw what it was, I almost felt my internal organs collapsing. It was AURA. (Amazingly coincidental way to find creepy games, I suppose? Again, I’m just putting this out, but again I don’t really expect much from intros of creepypastas, this one is just boring.) Quickly, I ran home, thinking this story just got more interesting.
I took the CD from its shaggy (dog story) package, which was just like the one I found at the garage sale. I inserted it into the slot, and the computer didn't even ask for Autorun.exe. The game just started, like it hard-wired itself to my hard drive. (Second reason this story is better than Touhou 14: The author shows actual fucking knowledge of technology! I mean, a couple of parts in this story may suck, but at least the author is actually putting their knowledge to good use!) The game had a title screen with a single button, written in the Comic sans font. (Fucking Comic Sans? Really? A bit patronizing, but whatever) It said Enter.
Reluctantly, I clicked the button, thinking it would be some Telefang crap of some sorts. (What the fuck is a Telefang? If you want to add a reference that most of your fucking audience doesn’t know of, THEN just don’t make the reference! Is it that hard to not screw up clever writing?) But as the stage rendered, I was presented to a town from the times of the Bible, I saw many merchants and even Roman legionaries walking around. As I explored the city a bit, I found a floating image that was surprisingly out of place, a picture of a golden crucifix. That's what it was, a picture, just floating there. (I’ve never seen that being done in creepypastas before, so I might give one to this part for being unique, I guess?) when I touched it, it warped me to a location, which shown the most disgusting image I've ever seen
It was Jesus, in the Cross (Um, don’t you mean “nailed to” the Cross? Or maybe just say “crucified”? The writing is a bit better than Judge angels, but fuck forbid if it’s going to suck all the damn time! *drinks his can of Pepsi once again*), his brains spilling out the top of his head, his bones ripping through his skin, his guts piercing through the belly, spilling acid, blood and other fluids. (Aw, come on, any good creepypasta writer could tone down with that amount of violence!) The definition of the image is more than any hardware could manage (Don’t you mean a depicted appearance of a concept?......................... What, that was terrible too? Fuck me, two years of attempting to make comedy, all for fucking naught!), it looked realistic as hell. I was sickened and about to throw up, then one of the Roman guards approached me and said these words, that would stalk me forever:
IS EST VESTRI FORTUNA (Okay, at least this ALSO wasn’t that clichéd bullcrap about the game wanting to kill the protagonist for no reason or some shit, so I guess we’ll give an up to that too!)
I was mesmerized. Was that some kind of code? After that, an error message appeared, like the ones on windows, saying ERROR: CLOTHES STORE. (Wow………… I have nothing…… to say to this. The joke pretty much explains itself!)
Were they mocking me? "Clothes store"? Were they talking about the store where I always bought my clothing? (I honestly don’t think it’s a good measure to make a video game make blatant references to stuff in real life like that. Shitpastas of this formula like Life.exe have attempted and failed miserably of doing this cliché it’s almost fucking boring more often than not. I previously had faith on this story being good, but GODDAMN, this story is now somehow looks like it’s TRYING to be shit, and that’s being nice, by the way. I seriously hope my mind won’t get crucified on one side while reading this.)
The next day, I decided to check it out. I decided to take a look at the mannequins.
I will never forget that horrendous sight. It was the same CRUCIFIED JESUS I HAD SEEN IN THE GAME, but fully fleshed and staring at me! Nobody else seemed to have noticed it but me, as nobody would look at it. (Hey, kids. Do you know where people would usually look at in clothing stores? Objects made to display clothing like mannequins? Actually, WHO doesn’t look at mannequins in clothing stores? I felt like I could write a joke about the author being on drugs but I just don’t feel like bashing the writer in a more positive review like this. So… *slowly takes a gulp of his Pepsi can*) What happened next was just confusing. I can only remember my head getting heavier and heavier then me passing out in the middle of the store, and everyone rushing in my assistance. (Also, the wording in this sentence is confusing as hell. Seriously, why couldn’t just you be arsed to use “to my help” instead of this? Just saying.) In the middle of the voices, I swear I had seen the same man, from the garage sale, who whispered:
I woke up minutes later, in my house. How did this happen? Who knew where i lived? Was it the man? I couldn't think about anything else but the game. "Level two", "level two", these words echoed in my head like a horrible sonnet. (Okay, I’ll let you know for the fact that this story actually DOES makes quite more of an effort to be good and unique than all of the four shitty stories I’ve read in this reboot combined so far, which is impressive but GODDAMN, the writer could’ve actually lay down on the clichés here and it’d be fucking gold. It’s not THAT bad, mind you, it’s honestly just pretty fucking mediocre based off what I’m seeing so far.)
Level two was where trouble actually started, it was a huge cave with random ornaments, and actually quite easy to navigate (But… It’s kind of stupid to say that the trouble started RIGHT here when you could’ve just said in the few sentences when shit actually goes down? Also, you didn’t even say that you started the game on your computer, so that’s a fuckin’ plus. *slowly gulps down his Pepsi can*), often I would see some words written in the walls in a writing impossible to make out. I reached a small hall which was absolutely empty. The screen flashed many colors for a few seconds and an Amnesia-like zombie appeared, ready to fight me. However, I was weaponless, and my fists were my only means of fighting.
Obviously, that was a battle I couldn't have won (You know how a lot of main characters in video games can usually take individual enemies like zombies with only their fists, right? Just go and fucking karate on that sucker head-first, motherfucker!), and the game proceeded to give me a close up of my head being chewed to pieces by the zombie. This one, however, was poorly rendered and had Nintendo-64 like graphics. (…Okay, thanks for clarifying, I guess. I mean the usual 3D graphics for creepy games are usually shit, right?) What was really traumatizing was the message that appeared:
IST EST VESTRI FORTUNA
but with an interesting addon:
MURDER THE UNHOLY OR BURN IN HELL (That sentence seems a bit… how do I describe it? Contradictory? Yeah, we’ll probably go with that. Also, an attempt at a Wham Line but amazingly failed due to the amount of edge that single sentence contains. I mean, you have everything you need right here, “murder”, “unholy”, “burn” and “hell”. Any $uicideboy$ hater who saw that sentence would probably die instantly.)
I didn't want to keep doing this, but this game was actually controlling my life.
The next day, I would receive the most tragic news. 12 of my best friends (I don’t REALLY believe you can have twelve fucking best friends at all once unless you’re like the most social extrovert in the world or some shit), including my BFF, who was who I most cherished in my whole life, had been found dead in their houses.
CRUCIFIED! (ASSFUCKED! Also, is this a random word thrown in trying to be clever or does the news report about the deaths ACTUALLY said that they looked like they were fucking crucified? For fuck’s sake, vague writing is pulled off so terribly among shitpasta writers it might as well be a new cliché in itself, they just don’t give a shit.)
Wait a second...
Like the apostles?
OH DAMN! (OK, I’ll admit that was clever, maybe that’s because he had too many best friends in the first place, but the writer could’ve tried their hands on making this story more realistic.)
I had to keep playing, I had to find Level 3.
Level 3 presented itself as the last level in the game, and it was a church. (But you said you HAD to find Level 3, yet you took no effort on, you know, “finding” it at all? Why does the previous sentence need to be there?) What a surprise.
I walked up to the altar and a huge light rendered on top of it and a figure clad in white robes appeared.
It showed that stupid phrase:
IST EST VESTRI FORTUNA
And the traditional addon:
LATIN TRAN IS LATE
Latin Tran is late? Who is Latin Tran? And why is he late? Why do I care that Latin Tran's late? (Maybe because you remember that one time when he missed the second language class because he went to get a sex change? Me neither, dude.)
Latin Tran's late?
OMG I AM A DUMBASS! (Eh, I’d be afraid to call you that because this story actually had potential, but from what I’ve read in this review you seem to be unfortunately getting closer to being one.)
Quickly, I opened the first translator i could find, and popped in the phrase that had tormented me all this time.
Here's what it said:
THIS IS YOUR FATE (*insert obligatory BEN Drowned reference here*)
I felt like my heart would come out my heart. (………………Um, Was that supposed to be serious? Unless the protagonist somehow has a second heart hidden in his main one, then this story somehow just lost all of its potential to be a good creepypasta.) I also tried the meaning of Aura.
Here's what showed up:
This is weird. Suddenly I looked at the screen, and a name appeared
WELCOME TO HEAVEN
FOR YOUR HOLY ACTIONS ON ELIMINATING THE UNHOLY.
As the screen finished scrolling, a message appeared:
YOU ARE NEXT UNHOLY PAGEAN (I don’t believe Satanism is considered a part of Paganism, but meh, whatever)
My breathing started accelerating, and I searched who this Theodorus Christi was:
" Theodorus Christi is a priest, famous for his mental insanity inducing game, AURA, which only had a few copies sold. This game is very unknown and obscure, and there is only one copy in the world, location unknown. (BUT, WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE THE FEW OTHER COPIES?!?!) Theodorus was hospitalized in a mental asylum, in which he hung himself. Word is that people who had played the game has 12 of their friends murdered (Oh yeah, and that also brings me to my next point: What if you have less than 12 friends? And I know that the game will instead pick on your relatives, but WHAT if you also happens to be an orphan without relatives? That would bring up some interesting interactions with the game and reality, I suppose!), along with a few hallucinations, then, if they complete the game, they get murdered right when playing, leaving gibberish on the screen, along with some Latin text and no cadaver remains."
Then a picture appeared.
It was HIM
WHO WAS DEAD(. AND THEREFORE IS A CORPSE. I know that was supposed to be dramatic as fuck, but who gives a shit anymore?)
Wait... I hear (5 easy) steps (to die)...
(Okay, so that was “Aura . exe” and, in terms of quality, this was much more mediocre than expected. I kinda wished the writer could have put more into the premise since this actually does show signs of potential, but too bad it’s still filled with a number of clichés and with an anti-climactic I died ending so it remains mediocre.
Scare Factor: 3/10 (What keeps this story from being creepy is a laundry list of clichés that could’ve been easily fixed, honestly.)
Plot: 5/10 (Not much in term of plot, though I do see the direction that the writer actually wants to go with this.)
Writing: 8/10 (In terms of writing errors this story doesn’t have much compared to the bullshit I’ve reviewed so far, though granted there’s some minor nitpicks here and there.)
Originality: 7/10 (Again, the premise is unique compared to the rest of the shit and it would’ve been cool if it wasn’t fucking butchered up by the creepy clichés in the first place)
Logic: 4/10 (Kind of conflicted on this, the protagonist does tries to do research about the game but even when he knows the game is dangerous he still fucking plays it anyways, so…)
Overall: 5/10 (Lame)
So, in conclusion, this story is BETTER than all of the four previous shitty stories that I’ve reviewed combined, and that’s a statement, and it’s different than all of the other shitpastas out there, but the final result still emerges out as mediocre as heck, which, to me, makes it kind of ultimately deserve its place on the Trollpasta Wiki as a change. It’s good for its time, but not for long.
With one story done, let’s move to the next, and hopefully better one; “Doctor Hate”. This had SLIGHTLY more comments than Aura . exe so this story might be better? Who the fuck knows, so we’ll just get onto the review quickly. This is “Doctor Hate”!)
Before I begin, Before I begin (Um… Why, JUST why are there two “Before I begin” written at the start of this story? That’s a flaw that any fucking good creepypasta writer could’ve easily fixed in their stories! Great, not even a quarter of one paragraph in and the story throws up a writing error. Not really a sign of a shitty story, but I’m hyped to see what this story is gonna throw at me.), let me be the first to say that I am the biggest video game freak I know, or at least whom I know in real life. When I play a game, I am completely immersed, no matter how awful the graphics are or how I was feeling before I started playing. Thus, I can become very emotional when a game's plot takes an unexpected twist, and very irritable when I'm interrupted in the middle of a game. I think that this may be why I'm able to play games for hours at a time without showing great fatigue (or without noticing my fatigue). (I’ll pass off this story for giving off random information at the intro, because AT least this story gives information that’s relevant to the main goddamn story instead of the subject that the fucking story is about, and Aura . exe just skips straight to the action. Really, it’s not that hard to fucking screw up the launch of a creepypasta, except if you’re a toddler with brain damage!)
I've played video games since my brother first got a Nintendo 64 for his birthday. I was about 3 at the time. (Really? I don’t believe kids THAT young could get a console for their birthday, but each to their own, I guess.) Although we've since sold many of the awesome games that we used to play, and bought some back, I've never desired to play any of the other games for Nintendo 64, games that didn't already carry the nostalgic value stored in my brain's early childhood memory. (I can relate to that, when I was a kid there was a folder in my old shitty Windows XP laptop which has a fuckload of GameHouse games and other puzzle and arcade games which are pretty fun, but since it fucking broke into a piece of metal shit, I got stuck on a crappy Surface RT tablet which couldn’t run any goddamn x86 apps until I got a new computer. I know that feel, bro, I fucking know it.)
However, a couple of weeks ago I stumbled across a Nintendo 64 game that I had never played nor heard of in my entire life. I was on Ebay looking for a copy of Mario Kart 64 that wasn't fifteen dollars or more and just happened to see an item that wasn't remotely similar to anything I had typed into the search bar. (But, who in the fuck would tag a game as a completely different game anyways? I won’t EVEN begin making a shitty comparison here, but, c’mon, you can write up something better than that!) “Doctor Hattenstein” was the name of the game, a 2D arcade platformer that was “the best game I have ever played” and in “perfect condition, non modded,” according to the seller's description. The picture displayed the cartridge lying on what appeared to be a wooden backdrop, and the front of the cartridge depicted a strange man who looked like a mad scientist, with the lab coat and everything. I was skeptical, considering why anyone would sell their favorite game on Ebay for eleven bucks (Well, maybe because they have copies of the game? That’s another one to add the laundry list of vague writing in shitty creepypastas right fucking there.), but I remembered that that was just what I had let my mom do a few years before I went to college. 'Everyone makes mistakes, I guess.' (Meh, from what I’ve seen this story isn’t the worst of mistakes, that’s reserved for the only shittiest of creepypastas in history)
I decided that a new gaming experience on the N64 was something I needed. (One can only beat Super Mario 64 with 120 stars so many times before needing a break) I bid on the item. Now, remember when I said that I immerse myself completely in games when I play them? As a general rule, I don't look up anything about a game before I play it (unless some dickhead on the internet spoiled it on the comments section of some website. Yeah, I’m just letting you know, buddy). I don't want to accidentally see a spoiler or get a second opinion about a character's motives, something that I can't unsee. (Okay, I know that you’re taking the word from the internet idiom “what has been seen can’t be unseen” or some shit but WHY would you use the word “unsee”? That word doesn’t even belong in the dictionary and why does that make too much sense to just use the word “forget”? I guess that’s just another way for assholes to speculate on the writer’s demographic, I suppose!) A recommendation from a friend, or in this case from a random guy on Ebay, is enough to get me hyped. Surprisingly, no one else bid on the item for the remaining two hours, forty-one minutes, and seven seconds of the auction. (AND the issue with the overly specific time periods again. I know, from what I’ve seen this story had only minor errors so far, but again they could’ve been easily fixed, and remember when I said that I’ll still make fun of the story’s flaws in a more positive review? They’re really fucking distracting me from actually pointing out positive aspects of the story.) I had never heard of the game, so I assumed that it wasn't a very popular one. Score for me!
A week and a half later, the game came in the mail. I took it out of the packaging and examined the cartridge further. It was pretty clean, as if it had been used but never damaged or left to collect dust. I was happy with it. I put the game in on a Friday, after my last class of the day. I intended to play it until I was too tired to continue, then to sleep and play it Saturday until I beat it. I had my pizza and cold soda all set up in my dorm room. I was going to see this one to the end, and nothing was going to stop me. (Compared to other shitty stories, this story has good setup so far, no pointless information like Touhou 14. *sigh* I hate even mentioning the name of that “story”, if you can even call it one at that. So, that already spells that this story is going to have potential even over Aura . exe! Well, potential over any stories that doesn’t have any effort put into them, that is. We’ll see WHY this story is substantial than horrible creepypastas, you know, an example of a good creepypasta?)
The game loaded up and started pretty well, as far as I could tell. The title screen showed a more pixelated version of the mad scientist from the front of the cartridge and a smaller, plainer looking character, probably the protagonist. Now the scientist looked more like a pixelated version of Doctor Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb. His eyes were pretty small, and his back was hunched as much as the pixels would allow. (Reason #1 this story is good: Giving basic description of the subject without going out into pointless detail that the readers don’t want to fucking read! That’s a writing detail that anyone smart can’t even screw up if they tried!) His wicked smile creeped me out a little bit, but otherwise I was ready to see what this villain had up his sleeve. The protagonist was just a heap of pixels in various hues of blues, shaped like a humanoid. I guessed that this was all that the game's graphic capabilities could spare (Reason #2 this story is good: The story is faithful to the source material and doesn’t fuck it up by throwing a cliché in it so the readers doesn’t groan at the repetition of shitty excuses to make a fucking story scary! Honestly, being substantial is enough to make a good creepypasta for me, but it’s pathetic to see a fuckload of writers trying to make stories scary when they can’t even make an interesting premise!), but nonetheless I immersed myself and became this small hero.
The game had three save files, only one of which was empty. Once again, I had no desire to open the two existing files and spoil the game. (Reason #3 this story is good: The author actually bothers to make their points based off actual logic and past sections in the story and doesn’t say “screw it, storywriting is too hard, let’s just throw a bad excuse here and there.”! Do you remember that part in Touhou 14 where the protagonist somehow knows that the web link to the game is fucked yet have no technological devices to know so because her computer is fucking broken? This story has none of that bullshit, be fucking thankful.) I chose the empty file and began the game. The screen suddenly displayed me sitting down in a chair in what appeared to be a normal living room, surrounded by a woman in another chair and two children on the floor, whom I assumed to be my family. It was a calm, quaint scene until Doctor Hattenstein burst through a window on some kind of robotic tentacle arm, saying, “Now you will pay for all that you have done to me, Mr. Good!” I thought to myself, 'Why would they name the game after the villain? Why not just name the game “Mr. Good”?' (Well, because Mr. Good is one of the most fucking generic name for a protagonist ever in history of all stories? Not really a criticism, but goddamn, you could have thought of something more creative!) I hit “A”, and the game gave me a choice of what to say back to him. 1. “Let's just talk about this.” 2. “You brought all of it upon yourself!” 3. “I'll kill you this time!” I went with the first choice. More robotic tentacles broke through the other windows in the room. One of them instantly smashed the children. Yes, that's right. The robotic tentacle squished the kids' organs into the floor. I almost threw up from hearing the sound it made. (Reason #4 this story is good: No over-the-top descriptions of violence in a pathetic attempt to be scary. You see, Judge angels attempted that bullcrap and ended up being laughably bad compared to this basic description that doesn’t go out of its nerves to vomit on its readers with blood, blood and more, fucking, blood.) I had to break my immersion for just a second to check the game's rating. I had had (This story’s writing is almost flawless, but with proofreading the author could have fixed the little repetition errors here and there!) no idea that it was rated M, but that wouldn't deter me. Another tentacle grabbed my wife and swiftly exited through the window. I was pretty mad at this point, yet I knew what was coming next. Doctor Hate, as I had just decided to call him, exclaimed, “If you ever want to see your precious wife again, you'll have to catch me first!” (Man, I could relate to that when my girl Nue got fucking taken away by- fuck, my head hurts from just mentioning that, *looks at his bed* that’s why I had this fucking dakimakura in the first place. *sigh*, *slowly drinks the Pepsi can empty to ease the shitty memories off his mind, before shaking it and throwing it off the window of his house*) He exited through the window, and the game zoomed closer to me, shaking my fist at the window and then jumping through it.
The game played much like a typical platformer now. I could jump and shoot small energy balls from my hand, and I had to jump across the tops of buildings while shooting small, robotic enemies in order to advance and catch up to the flying octopus robot. The first level wasn't very difficult. I quickly made it to the end and had to fight the octopus robot. This also wasn't very difficult. I just had to jump over the tentacles as they swiped towards me and shoot at the octopus's head until it ran out of health. (Reason #5 this story is good: Excuse me if I mentioned this before, but even with descriptions in the main sections of this story, it manages to be substantial and average most of the time and not overly vague or long as piss. Again, this is a formula that most writers couldn’t fuck up if they tried except if you’re the most incompetent writer in existence!) But then, … the octopus did one last thing as it was blowing up. My wife dropped to the ground unhurt, but the thing just had to swing down its tentacle and crush her! (I can’t tell if this was forced or not, but I’ll also pass this off, because it doesn’t really have much impact to the main premise of this story anyways. My life has way too much forced bullshit inserted into it more than your average shitty story anyways. *frowns, and looks down at the desk*) I fell to my knees and looked up to see that Doctor Hate was standing there on the ground, laughing maniacally despite his sudden lack of protection. I walked over to him and aimed my weapon at him. The game again gave me a choice. 1. “Spare him” 2. “Kill him” I was surprised at this option this early in the game, but I felt such grief that I decided to kill him, against my normal instincts. However, when I hit the button, the game showed a flashback of Doctor Hate. It was some stupid sob story about how his parents divorced when he was a young child and often neglected him after that. (I don’t really relate to that, I’m not an orphan. But, it just feels bad being fucking left out from the place that I felt like was home to me.) I skipped through the cutscene as fast as I could, hoping to get back to the part where I kill him. But the character said, “I can't do this.” Doctor Hate just laughed again and ran away, leaving me to sulk in my loneliness. (Reason #6 this story is good: This story actually has a unique premise for the subject it’s based on and is actually interesting to the readers! Compare this to Minecraft Hell Edition where the entire “scare factor”; if it even has one; consists entirely of Satan, Satan, clichés, Satan, and more fucking Satan. If it isn’t clear at this part, then it’ll probably be clear by the end of this story.)
The second level began much like the first, except that I began surrounded by a group of friends at a bar. Doctor Hate broke in with a robotic mole. He blamed me for his troubles, I told him that I'd kill him this time, and he proceeded to kill all my friends except for my best friend. (And again, I could relate to that. When everything had gone downhill, a lot of people that I’ve talked with are fucking gone from me, like that time when- fuck me, my terrible memories are creeping on my mind again.) This time the level was underground, and it was a bit more difficult to beat. I didn't mind the challenge, but I was ready to be done with Doctor Hate. As the mole robot was dying, it slit the throat of my best friend. I was convinced that I could kill the doctor this time. He stood there cackling his brains out, and I pointed my weapon at his face. 1. “Spare him” 2. “Kill him” Yes, please kill him. Please. (Yeah, I mean why not. In the past I wished for my bullies to be killed anyways.) The game showed a flashback of the doctor as a somewhat older child. He was at a funeral for his grandmother and was sobbing quietly. This struck a chord in me personally, since my grandparents died when I was about his age. (I didn’t really witness any relatives dying in my life, but the closet I can relate to that is the death of my self-esteem, it got murdered after my life turned into shit when I was growing up.) Nevertheless, I was still determined to end his life. I skipped back to the present and waited for the shot to end my misery. It never came. “I can't do this.” Doctor Hate escaped laughing as loud as ever. Although I was about ready to throw my controller through the wall at this point (I know that you like a lot of retro games and consoles, but with that I don’t believe you’re the descendant of Angry Video Game Nerd yet, just so you know), I knew that there had to be an end to the game, some kind of closure. I continued.
The third level was in a retirement home. I was visiting with my aging parents when Doctor Hate broke down the wall on a robotic lion. (Actually, I’ve just noticed something odd as shit. How does Doctor Hate manage to track down the main character in the start of every fucking level in the game? Did he somehow secretly embedded a microchip into Mr. Good’s skin and tracked him with a G-
*A robot resembling a giant walking dildo with a Greek spraypaint burst through the wall of TTPG’s bedroom, surprising him immediately*
TTPG: …What the fuck was that?
???: I am Doctor Nonsense, the descendant of the most idiotic and incompetent admin on Wikia ever, also known as SOMEGUY123. The reason I came here? Don’t argue to me about it because I’m too dumb to provide a real reason for THAT, but I’m going to ruin your fucking life by fucking up everything you care about for NO logical reason whatsoever!
TTPG: …Is this guy being serious? He really wants to fuck up my life so it can be tragic as ass again?
Doctor Nonsense: Logical writing? Smart characters? Actual effort? Interesting premises? SCREW ALL THAT NOISE. After plaguing you with reasonless story deletions, I’m here to plague your mind with flaws from shitty stories!
TTPG: Wow, that’s a bunch of NONSENSE if I’ve ever seen one.
Doctor Nonsense: Well, since you couldn’t hate me yet if I don’t fuck up your life like how you hate SG when he deletes your stories for no plausible reason, I’m going to do this to you for no reason too.
*Doctor Nonsense walked his dildo mech to TTPG’s bed, before somehow grabbing the Nue dakimakara from the bed, stealing it and then flew away from his house*
TTPG: Wait- HEY, THAT WAS MY FUCKING COMFORT ITEM SINCE EVERYTHING GOT TAKEN AWAY FROM ME! *goes to his window and double flips off the flying dildo mech* FUCK YOU! THAT’S A BUNCH OF ASS-FUCKING DILDO DOG SHIT! REMEMBER MY WORDS, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. I FUCKING SWEAR, I’M SO GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THIS!
*TTPG quickly runs to his desk, snatches a can of Pepsi, then jumps on his bed, lying down on his back and downs the whole fucking can quickly, before breathing heavily*
TTPG: Sorry, I’m just fed up with bullshit, that’s all. Now let’s continue on the review.)
I told him that he'd brought it all on himself, and he killed everyone but my mother. You get the picture. I chose to kill him. The flashback was of him as a teenager; his younger brother had just committed suicide … (I don’t think I’ve had a relative who killed themselves, but one of my friends hanged himself during the escape and I was almost about to fucking commit suicide once, because my life was JUST so horrible, I don’t even want to talk about it anymore) “I can't do this.” This is how it went for the next nine levels, with Doctor Hate's horrible life becoming more and more depressing after each successive flashback. (Reason #7 this story is good: This story purposefully skips out all of the pointless details after the writer knows that the readers have seen everything that’s in the premise in the first half of the main story already! Also, I hate to address this but compare this to Blood Whistle when it SKIPPED an entire world without telling us just to force a random coincidence, and I’m not even sure if that makes the story better or worse.) He had lived through several tragedies, the murder of his wife, clinical depression, and finally having his son sue to divorce from him. (I’m almost on the same boat as him, really. I’m fucking depressed beyond belief, and did I mention my girl being taken from me for no reason already? Maybe that’s why I don’t call myself The Tragic Trollpasta Gangsta for nothing.) As I kept going, the doctor's crooked smile and terrifying laugh began to resemble a despondent frown and a shrieking cry that made me almost feel bad for him. Almost. I opted to spare him once. Doctor Hate said, “Why?”, and a chat box came up with eight spaces. I could choose a letter or a space for each space. I said, “because,” but he just left. After twelve levels back to back, it was 2:00 am, and I was about ready to collapse. I decided to save the game and go to bed. Maybe the end of the game wasn't so far off, and I would beat it by the afternoon of the next day.
I had a variety of strange dreams that night, most of which I can't even begin to remember. One involved me watching and then participating in a televised political debate about same-sex marriage. (Uh… Okay, this story now throws the cliché about nightmares relating to the subject of the story, but again I’ll pass it off, most of the clichés in this story doesn’t heavily impact the main course of the story, and even if it does it’s still outweighed by the positive things in this story that not present in most shitty stories that I’ve read anyways. Also, typical controversy about LBGT bullshit and other hot-button matters!) In another, I was in a classroom listening to a professor express her views about philosophy. In one dream, I was an old man sharing my life story with a young man who looked as though he didn't care what I had to say. (But, do they sleep anymore on the beach anyways?) Finally, I was watching a Draw My Life video on Youtube. (I sincerely hope this isn’t a usual asshole comment on depressed people, including me. If that’s really the fucking case, then this is seriously, fucking, low. Just saying.) That was the last one before I woke up in the morning. I woke up thinking heavily about the things I had just witnessed. All the dreams had a similar feeling or aura around them. They all had something in common, but I couldn't quite place my finger on it. (Well, but excuse you because I ALREADY know why bullshit is happening to me and now there’s the word Tragic in my title. It’s because the government is corrupt, and we’re on so many dru- Wait, shit, didn’t mean to go on a full lecture here.) I figured that it had something to do with the game I had played the night before, so I started it up again.
The thirteenth level was no different than the first twelve, besides the small variations that I've already described. It was almost impossible to beat this level. There were dozens of enemies walking and jumping around, and I could hardly find enough room to jump from platform to platform. After about an hour or so of going through it and dying many times, I reached the end. Doctor Hate's robotic eagle lay at the end, holding my nephew. I literally had to jump on the rockets that it sent at me just to get high enough to shoot it (Don’t some games have this feature where you take the advantage of the boss’ attacks to attack them back? Or, if they damage you then why you couldn’t just detail about that? Not really a vague writing issue, but from your description that sounds like a bad thing to do), and it took what seemed like a hundred shots to kill it. I forced myself to ignore the nephew's death and focus on the message that the game had presented to me. There was something I wasn't seeing clearly enough, something that I had to fit into eight character spaces.
I started to feel something strange in the doctor's presence. I felt the same about him as I had about the dreams, or rather in the dreams. (And for me there’s something behind everything shitty in my life. It’s a bunch of incompetent, arrogant assholes with brains the size of a baby ant fucking my life up, that’s why, anyone could have only so much patience listening to assholes who believe that patience is fucking unlimited.) A political debate, a classroom lecture, a life story, and a Draw My Life video all had something in common. In all these scenarios, someone was trying to express who they were to someone else, and the other person wasn't really listening … I discovered something that I hadn't seen before. I opted to spare the doctor, and he asked me why. (…Holy shit, just, holy shit. I’ll admit that I didn’t see that coming, but……... holy, fucking shit. REASON FUCKING #8 WHY THIS STORY IS EXCELLENT: This story manages to execute vague writing correctly and paves a way to make an interesting moral for a story! I couldn’t believe that this story would execute vague writing properly! I mean, I couldn’t just fucking believe it!) I told him, “I am you”. The whole scene disappeared. Mr. Good disappeared. The scene shifted to Doctor Hattenstein in what appeared to be a dark basement, pointing a small revolver to his own temple. He slowly put the gun down and went upstairs, where his son was waiting for him. “I'm sorry son. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.” He went over and hugged his son as the screen faded to black. The credits started to roll. (……………Goddamn, I now felt like I was never bullied in my fucking life up to then. At least this story’s premise leads to an interesting and different ending unlike all of the shitty stories coming out of the crap cesspool! This story, is fucking grand!)
I literally cried as I watched this. All of it was beginning to make sense to me, although it was very difficult to take in all at once. The doctor had made the whole thing up to hide from the tragedies that he had to deal with, and the real problem was that he wasn't willing to listen, to accept that other people had problems too and that he wasn't alone. It all was starting to lock into place when another realization hit me. 'I am you'. I've spent most of my life playing video games, but never has a game put my life into perspective as this one has. I've been hiding in the dark, immersing myself in fictional worlds such as this one to escape a feeling of loneliness which actually does not exist. I'm not alone! People like me go through troubles and heartache and tragedy just as I do! I'm not so different from everyone else; it's just the perspective I take that makes me feel that way. Like I previously stated, it has been very difficult for me to take it all in, but I know that I've been miserable like this for a very long time. I don't have to be. I need to renew myself with this perspective and take it to heart. I am Doctor Hate, but more importantly, so are you.
(So, that was “Doctor Hate”, and it’s actually pretty quite good! Some may shit me on this but you can actually see what this writer was going for and the motive of this story is clear enough if you actually bother to read it. It wasn’t much in term of creepy but being substantial is already enough for me. One thing I’ll have to note though: At the end it’s kind of patronizing to compare your problems with other people, with that the moral could’ve been better but fuck it.
Scare Factor: 7/10 (This story doesn’t really have much in term of creepiness, but it makes me ramble about how shitty and tragic my life is, so I guess that’s a plus?)
Plot: 8/10 (The plot is straightforward, but substantial. At least it doesn’t go out of its way to throw a wall of pointless description onto us or is too vague to be substantial in the first place)
Writing: 9/10 (Again, not much in terms of writing errors, there’s just a little few that annoyed me.)
Originality: 9/10 (As mentioned multiple times, this story has an interesting gimmick that differentiates this story out of every piece of shit story that’s been attempted on CPW ever… aside from the main villain being Dr. Doofenshmirtz, that is)
Logic: 7/10 (Also not really much in terms of logic as this story doesn’t heavily rely on the protagonist being a complete dumbass anyways, but he does know what he’s doing)
Overall: 8/10 (Good)
I have to say, this is the first good story I’ve reviewed on my program and it actually fucking impressed me. Aura . exe, on the other hand, didn’t really impacted me as Doctor Hate did and wasn’t that good, but it still actually tries to be different from all of the shitty stories out there, so I give it credit for that. However, Doctor Hate is a basic example of a good video game creepypasta which every writer with a brain should follow, ever, and probably the only reason it was moved to TPW in the first place because it’s not that creepy, but I don’t blame the writer for that. But still, if I really want better stories to review, I should probably go find stories on other wikis other than TPW, because there was that one shitty story that used to be on CPW which was so shitty and filled with vague writing I kept coming back to it. I don’t know why I don’t just stop reading it, probably because it was so bad it fascinated me. Sometimes my own dumbness astounds me, but fuck it.
Since this positive review seems to be harder to write up than the usual negative reviews, I’ll do this type of reviews less frequently from now on, though granted that doesn’t mean I won’t do positive reviews however. But anyways, that’s it for this review. And if you excuse me, I’m going to fucking cry on the bed for hours, not just because of how good that story was, but some crazy asshole stole my Nue Houjuu dakimakura and now I had to buy another one AGAIN! I’m the Tragic Trollpasta Gangsta, and I’m always watching you… who gives a shit, I’m going to cry on my bed now.
*The Gangsta quickly stands up from his desk then jumps on the bed, later sobbing repeatedly over the loss of his Nue Houjuu dakimakura. Doctor Nonsense somehow managed to climb on TTPG’s house’s wall and peeked at him from behind a window.*
Doctor Nonsense: Excellent, just according to plan… Now time for to launch my second procedure…)
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