(He's gonna take you back to the past…
To read the shitty stories that suck ass!
He'd rather create… a decorative item… simple "Lovely Decoration" in Minecraft!
He'd rather eat… the bloody asshole… of a dead cosplayer, and down it with Pepsi!
He's the most tragic reader you've ever seen!
He's the Tragic Minecraft Gangsta!
He's the Tragic Touhou Gangsta!
He's the Tragic Trollpasta Gangsta!
Sup, guys. It’s the Tragic Trollpasta Gangsta here, after nearly getting killed by some crazy assholes, to fuck up even more shitty stories. Now, guess what so-called “shitty stories” we’ll be fucking up today? OH YEAH, JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT SPLITTERS COULDN’T GET ANY FUCKING WORSE!!!! And yes, you fucking guessed it, “Minecraft Satan Edition” and “Touhou 14”! These two stories are some of the most amazingly shitty stories about video games that are from the FUCKING TITLES OF THEIR STORY. I MEAN, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? HOW COULD YOU SCREW UP MINECRAFT AND TOUHOU THAT BADLY?!?!
*The Mind appears on TTPG’s computer screen again*
The Mind: You have put yourself to this, this is your fate.
TTPG: SHUT UP AND STOP TRYING TO FUCKING GIVE ME FUCKING TRAUMATIC MEMORIES ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES IN THE FUCKING HOTEL IN… Ugh, sorry, I can’t fucking talk about it right now, my head aches from just thinking of that.
The Mind: You deserved this, you were a dumbass.
TTPG: YEAH, I KNOW THAT, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, BUT WHAT ABOUT REVIEWING THOSE TWO SHITTY STORIES THAT WILL FUCKING SCAR ME FOR LIFE?!?!
The Mind: But that’s your only job now, this is what you must do, or else you’ll starve to-
TTPG: Enough with that you asshole. How about, again, I just DON’T fucking read them?!
The Mind: TOO BAD! I know you were gonna just excuse yourself to not read these shitty stories. So, as a countermeasure, I’ll just create your own personal little “para-demons” to keep watch on you as you review these shitty stories!
TTPG: Wait, what? Are you even fucking seri- Wait, oh... NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
The Mind: Have fun, Gangsta! Now if you excuse me, I’ve got an important meeting in the Fourteenth Circle of the Realm of the Pathological Gods to attend. See you later, sucka!
*The Mind glitches itself off TTPG’s computer screen, leaving TTPG staring at the screen, absolutely dumbfounded, but then he got interrupted when The Wither crashed through his computer screen as TTPG barely avoided.*
TTPG: What the shit was that?
The Wither: *growls* Review……… shitty……… story… or DIE……!
TTPG: Oh, are you even fucking serious?! I JUST GOT TO THE NETHER ON MY FUCKING MINECRAFT PLAYTHROUGH, AND YOU PULL THIS BULLSHIT ON ME?!?! NO, I AIN’T DOING THAT SHIT!!!!
The Wither: *growls, then approaches TTPG* Do………as I say………review shitty story………or else……
TTPG: JESUS FUCKING CHIRST I GET IT. If I review your shitty story, will you die?
The Wither: You……… know…… the drill……… just review………………… the………………………. story……… *growls*
TTPG: ALRIGHT. You know what, fuck this, I’m going to review this fucking story… that’s what I must fucking do anyways, dammit. Anyways, let’s just cut the shit already. “Minecraft Satan Edition” is some of the WORST attempts, or lack thereof, at making a video game creepypasta, that you’ll ever have the balls to read. It’s SO horrible, that you could put a fucking lump of shit besides this “story” and they’d be the same thing. But whatever, let’s not stall here any further, because I’d probably be turned into a pile of black shit by the fucking demon that’s floating here right besides me if I just sit here doing absolutely nothing whatsoever, so, with a few cans of Pepsi ready, here we go! This is “Minecraft Satan Edition”!)
I loved Minecraft. Notice the past-tense in "love". (Wait……………………Are you EVEN being fucking serious? I REALLY don’t even know where to start with this. I mean, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, WRITER?!?! WE DON’T CARE IF YOU USED TO LOVE MINECRAFT, WE JUST WANT TO GET ON WITH THE GODDAMN STORY!!!! *calms down, then takes a sip of his Pepsi can* Once again, I believe that’s what known as a fucking “red flag”) I know you might not believe this, but I stopped playing minecraft because I found out that the devil was behind it. (I’d make a witty comment about that but I’m too fucking busy trying to figure out why the fuck would the Devil be “behind” a fucking video game for any rhyme or reason) Let me explain.One day I was playing with my friend Erik. I didn't have minecraft for PC, I only had xbox edition. I wanted some way to play minecraft on the go, so I bought Pocket edition. (Pfft, sheep these days submitting to the dumbass consumerist society, I tell ya what. Just search up an .apk of Minecraft Pocket Edition and the Shiginima Launcher for Minecraft PC on Google and here you go, now you have Minecraft! Easy as that!) Since Erik didn't have an xbox, he had pocket edition too. So we decided to play with each other, viewing our creations, stuff like that. (Oh, and my hand to fuck, this story’s pacing is some of the WORST I’ve ever seen. It’s as fast as a fucking greased cheetah equipped with a jetpack on ice, it’d be right up there with the slowest pacing ever on Gajardo.zip… or whatever the fuck it is. Goddamn, that story was a mess) He asked me If I had a sort of Parkour map. I did, so I scrolled down to what I called "Parkour World". As I scrolled down, I noticed a world simply called "Hell". (If you somehow haven’t already know that this story is going to throw up a fuckton of clichés, then you just watch because this story has not yet BEGUN TO SUCK.) The screenshot for the world was the nether, which was weird because it wasn't added in yet. So I simply deleted the world. Nothing happened. I keeped trying to delete it, but It wouldn't go away. (The shitty spelling and capitalization of this sentence shows how old the writer of this so-called “story” is) Since my friend was waiting patiently, I decided to ignore it and go to my world. After that, we played the parkour and screwed around. What was weird was that I found Invisible blocks that would randomly replace stuff around the world. At first I didn't care , (Wow, everyone knows already that the protagonists of this story are brain-dead idiots, but just let me tell you ONE thing: When you see something like that, you know real well that your fucking game is obviously faulty! AND THE GAME ISN’T EVEN A FUCKING .APK DOWNLOADED FROM SOME SHADY WEBSITE, IT’S FUCKING STORE-BOUGHT!!!! *takes another sip of his Pepsi can* sip sip SIP FUCKING SIP) until almost the whole world was covered in invisible blocks. Erik couldn't do anything because he was trapped by all of the blocks. Luckily, I made a backup of the world just for this occasion. I deleted the current world and we went to the backup world. But what was strange was that the splash text on the title screen said 666. I thought it was a weird joke and moved on.
(TTPG: *turns to the Wither* Is this protagonist even being serious?
The Wither: *growls*……………………………………………Nah.
TTPG: …That’s it, fuck this story)
When we joined the server, we got bored and started to spawn some cows. But was weird was that the cows looked depressed. (I’m PRETTY sure they hate the fact that they’re stuck in this unforgiving, shitty world and they want to kill themselves…………………………of course that’s pretty much me right now, I hate my life now just by reading this crappy story.) When they died, they would let out a distorted cry. We were both creeped out, and decided to exit and play (another game that actually fucking works……………No, I just wish this shit trip would end already because it’s a fucking trainwreck right from the start. Instead, we decided to exit and play) a survival server.When I joined, I had all my items as last time. But what was weird was that the sword was covered in blood. It wasn't even named a diamond sword. It was called the "Bloody Murderer". (Fun Fact: Bloody Murderer is one of the best emo bands of the 20th century. If you get your hands on being their manager then you can bet on being a billionaire in one day!) I was freaked out, but Erik was even more, as on his kindle (Isn’t a “Kindle” a mobile device specifically designed to read e-books?), he saw creepers. But these weren't any normal creepers, as their faces were full of tears. (Okay, dumbass writer, you CAN’T throw in spooky stuff randomly when there’s a fallacy in the fucking writing! For fuck’s sake, tears FALL down from your eyes, NOT scatter the shit all over your face! *takes yet another sip of his Pepsi can*) Freaked out, Erik ran away, as the creeper exploded with it's guts going out of it's body. He collected these items, which were named, "Bloody Sulfur". (Wonderful, I bet this is the result from the digestion of the one-dimensional father from “Splitters” which explains why his shit is so bloody! AND ONCE AGAIN, the writing throws up YET another fallacy, because he just said that the creeper explodes with IT’S GUTS going out of it’s body, but then the items collected were FUCKING SULFUR. WHAT THE HELL?!?! *takes a long gulp of his Pepsi can* In fact, you could prove that to me right now! Hey, Wither, care to take a shit?
The Wither: *stares at TTPG in deadpan silence*…………………………………Fuck off.
TTPG: …You know what, who even gives a fuck about this story’s horrible writing anymore? Go fucking figure.)
Erik came to my house, in where he looked at his crafting chest. (…………I can’t………………I just fucking can’t…………………”crafting chest”?...........................has this brain-dead “author” EVEN researched about Minecraft in the slightest?! *sips his Pepsi can as he stares at the shitty story confused all beyond belief*) If he combined a bloody sulfur with an arrow, he could create a decorative item simple "Lovely Decoration". (………There’s something oddly mesmerizing about this. Is this supposed to be FUNNY? Do you find humor in the fact that your horrible cliché-ridden writing has a fucking “decorative item simple ‘Lovely Decoration’” thrown into it? Because THAT’S NOT FUNNY!) Erik was scared as much as I was. (Do I even have to point out how stupid that was?) Suddenly, A cluster of zombies, skeletons, and spiders, all angry and covered in blood, approached us. They looked realistic, as if the mobs actually were real. (This godawful story is just about to use almost every cliché humanly possible for a video game pasta. Who’s still surprised?) We tried to turn it to peaceful, we tried to kill them, we tried to exit, but (I tried) nothing(, everything) would work.I wasn't stupid of course,
(TTPG: *turns to the Wither again* How much are you willing to bet that this protagonist’s IQ points barely goes above fifty?
The Wither: *growls*………………Go………jump…in………The Void………and you have…………………your answer………
TTPG: Oh gee, same thing, bud!)
so I tried shutting of my ipad. But after 4 seconds, (Wow, how oddly specific that time period was. You could just fucking say “But after a few seconds”! *tosses the Pepsi can into the air, then grabs the can in midair before taking a gulp of it*) the game came back on with an ear piercing scream. Suddenly, the chat said:
<server> satan has joined the game.
We just froze. (I can’t believe I’m saying this, but these idiotic protagonists got what they deserved; to be fucking frozen in ice for eternity so they don’t grow up a future generation of dumbasses ever again! Oh yeah, and I know my jokes may get shitty at times BUT CAN YOU PLEASE KINDLY STOP THAT?!?!) Nobody else was in the house, and online was off. I looked at my iphone. (Wait…………Just HOLD UP there for a second…………………You said earlier that you had an iPad, but now for some brain-dead reason it’s an iPhone?.............Yeah, maybe it’s just the author being dumb, maybe they’ll probably correct it later, right? *stares at the camera in anguish and fear*) It then said:
<satan> Everybody in this world is (cleaning up) after you
.<satan> Your family is not your family. (Normally, this sentence doesn’t make any sense in the slightest, not even to dumb people, but in this case it made more sense than this entire story)
<satan>You are a waste of life.<satan>Your Brother shouldn't be in the same reality as you. (Fucking great. Are you telling me that this protagonist’s brother is an evil twin with no sense of logic from the opposite dimension, who then got mind raped by God before sending him to the protagonist’s womb in the world of reality as a punishment for his stupidness, and then his stupidness spread over to the main protagonist, making both of them dumb? Wow, in a single paragraph, I can make up a better story than this piece of shit.)
I was just about to get my hammer and smash the ipod, (WAIT. JUST HOLD ON FOR A SECOND THERE. Previously, the writer previously said that his iPad was somehow now an iPhone, but in this paragraph now it’s an iPod…………………? I have to admit though, whatever device this protagonist has is SO cool, it can fucking shapeshift itself into various electronic Apple devices!.......................................... Oh yeah, and I almost forgot. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! WHAT DRUGS ARE THE WRITER ON WHEN THEY WROTE THIS?!?! *throws his Pepsi can up into the air, falling right back onto his mouth, prompting the Gangsta to drink the whole can empty, before grabbing it and throwing it onto The Wither’s face*) until I heard a scream from upstairs. It was my little brother, Andrew. I went upstairs to find him with a sword in his body, bloody. There was text embeded on it that read "Bloody Murderer". (1. Why the fuck would the protagonist own an ACTUAL, LETHAL SWORD in his house for any reason? Is this protagonist actually a serial killer in guise of a Minecraft addict? And I’m not even trying to be offensive about that, IT SUCKS. 2. This protagonist shown no sympathy for his little brother’s death whatsoever, so either the protagonist of this story is a fucking psychopath, or is the most idiotic protagonist in the history of shitpastas yet) Back downstairs, I saw in the chat:
<server> Andrew has died.
Then Erik said to me "OH MY GOD!! WE MUST SMASH OUR TABLETS!!! (Why would your smash your tablets? They are usually made out of stone or metal and would fucking break your hands if you attempt to smash them……………………Yeah, I get it, I’m terrible. Can you fucking stop doing that ALREADY?) LOOK AT MINE, TOO! I looked at Erik's kindle. (Well THANK FUCK at least his kindle can’t shapeshift into other electronic devices!) Everything was a negative color.The music was heavily distorted and there was satanic whispering in the background. Just then, Erik accidentally mined the door. (“I can’t find a way to progress the story further and get spooky, so I throw in a plot device so my characters can be all brain-dead dumbasses for no reason instead of being actually redeeming protagonists!”) All the monsters came in and brutal(l)y killed Erik. As they killed him in game, he dropped dead in real life.
<server> Erik has died.
I then looked at my phone. (“My friend and my brother’s now dead as a result of being in a shitty story! What do? I have an idea, just go back on my shapeshifting phone and do absolutely nothing to save myself whatsoever!”) I now only had 13 pentagrams in my inventory. They all did nothing. Screams and crys of help along with loud, demonic chanting filled the speakers. (Hey, I have a question to all of the readers here, and that question is; is anybody even scared yet at this point?
The Wither: *growls*…………………grah………nuuuuh………………nah………
TTPG: Me neither, Wither, but when I get done with this sucker, I’m so going to make you FALTER.)
I picked up my hammer and destroyed the Ipad. My hammer caught on fire, (Weird, hammers are usually made out of metal with plastic handles so……… HOW in god’s green earth could it fucking catch on fire? Or does explaining that it’s a wooden hammer make too much sense?) as I looked at Eric's phone, (Great, my expectations were wrong all along, everything is just there to fucking trick me, and my life has been a lie as it always been. Because Erik NEVER had a tablet, but he HAS a phone all along! And, his name ISN’T even spelled right in that sentence! WHAT THE HELL?!?! *takes another can of Pepsi, kicks the lid open, then takes a big gulp of it*) which said
<satan> Thought you could kill me? Silly human, they will kill you
.Just then, my door opened, as the mob(ster)s came running at me. I died in the game, which caused me to get killed in reality. The chat text was entered a bit early, so I was able to read this but not for long.
<server> Danny has died
.<server>Deleting world "Survival"
(<server> Assuming direct control)
<server>Transferring all entities to world "Hell"
As write this to you down in the underworld, before I become a devil's minion, please. (HOW IN THE DILDOFUCK IS THERE INTERNET CONNECTION IN HELL FOR FUCK’S SAKE?!?!) Stop playing minecraft, as the same thing can happen to you. (How in the fuck would that even happe- Oh, thank fuck, the story’s FINALLY fucking over! *downs about half of the Pepsi can in relief*)
(So, that was “Minecraft Satan Edition” and……… what in the fuck did I just read? Not only is this story godawful BEYOND BELIEF, but this has to be the WORST attempt on making Minecraft spooky I’ve ever seen yet. I mean, at least Herobrine MANAGES to be intriguing. But THIS? I have no words…………………………Shit Sunday, there I found the words. Time to get on to the ratings!
Scare Factor: 1/10 (This story DOESN’T even makes an effort to be scary, it’s just a barrage of clichés here and there)
Plot: 1/10 (The plot is basically virtually every plot in a shitty video game pasta ever. Once again, HOW DO YOU SCREW THAT UP?!?!)
Writing: 1/10 (This story has shitty writing. Did I mention shitty writing?)
Originality: 1/10 (You could summarize this story in two words and it’d be “Minecraft” and “Satan” from the title of the fucking story)
Logic: 1/10 (Stupidest protagonists in existence, shapeshifting devices, makes no attempt at being scary, et cetera)
Overall: 1/10 (Absolute Shit)
You know what, Splitters was a shitty creepypasta but at least I can sleep at night calling it a creepypasta. This story is so putrid, no-effort and broken it’s almost at the same level as 666.exe, the MOST shitty story I’ve reviewed yet, that’s ALMOST not possible. So, in conclusion, this story is a fucking gigantic pile of crap. Now, can you get the fuck away from my bedroom yet to terrorize somewhere else, Wither?
The Wither: *growls*………………… You………………… MUST………DIE……!
TTPG: Oh, come on! At least I reviewed this shitty story so I can get paid now! You’re pulling this shit on me again?
The Wither: You………………… are a waste……………… of life………… everybody………… *growls*……IS GONNA KILL………… YOU!!!!
TTPG: Come at me, bitch. I’ll let you know that I played in a LOT of Minecraft Faction servers before everything went into shit, you asshole.
*TTPG grabs a bloody diamond sword with the words “Bloody Murderer” embedded on it that somehow appeared in his room, then spun it. The Wither tried to charge at the Gangsta, but then he avoided, causing The Wither to crash headfirst on his desk. TTPG flipped off The Wither as he leaned the sword by his shoulder*
TTPG: That’s it, bitch. It’s on.
*The Wither started shooting black skulls at TTPG, prompting him to avoid them, slicing some of them with his sword. He tried to slice The Wither with his sword, but then it avoided and crashed straight out of his ceiling. The Wither summoned two eerily realistic skeletons into his room to stall the Gangsta*
TTPG: OH GOD, NOT THE SKELETONS, THEY’RE ASSHOLES!!!!
*TTPG barely avoids the skeletons’ arrows, takes a pillow as a shield for the arrows, then steadily moved forward until he killed the first skeleton, but the second one shot an arrow which pierced through his pillow and almost hit him when he threw the pillow away on the skeleton’s face, causing it to fall down. TTPG walked over to the skeleton, before stomping it in the face four times, killing it. The Wither descends from the ceiling down into the Gangsta Room in disbelief*
TTPG: YEAH, WHO’S THE PLAYER NOW, BITCH?!?!
*TTPG slashes one of The Wither’s heads off, causing it to get infuriated. The Wither starts shooting the black skulls more rapidly while circling him around, making it hard to react. Regardless, TTPG’s agility made it barely easy to avoid the projectiles, and he then hides behind a fan. The Wither tried to shoot a skull at the fan when TTPG picked up some arrows left from the skeletons*
TTPG: EAT THIS, YOU FUCK!
*TTPG throws an arrow at The Wither’s second head, damaging it. Then he threw another arrow on the head, damaging it more. TTPG rushed to another section of his room, and stalled The Wither quick enough to deal a blow on its second head, destroying it*
The Wither: *growls* ………………THOUGHT……………YOU COULD……………………KILL ME?!?!..............................SILLY HUMAN, THEY……………WILL………………………….KILL YOU!!!!
*The Wither creates some kind of electromagnetic field around it which deflects any projectiles blown onto it, before it started shooting a blue skull at TTPG. He barely avoided it as the skull blew up and destroyed a section of his room. He ran behind The Wither, and it turns to him to shoot a bigger blue skull, but TTPG avoided yet again and it flew out of a window, blowing up a nearby house in the progress. TTPG flanked The Wither, and tried to slash The Wither’s primary head with the Bloody Murderer, but its electromagnetic field was so strong it somehow caused the sword to burst into flames, and only damaged about a half of The Wither’s strength. TTPG desperately fumbled for a way to kill The Wither*
TTPG: Shit, I’m so dead. What the fuck should I do? Not checking back on my computer of course, that WOULD be stupid.
*TTPG continuously runs around the room as he avoided The Wither’s black skulls and the occasional blue skulls. Until, he “accidentally” opened a drawer from his desk, and found a mysterious bottle shaped like a raindrop with weird red liquid inside it. The bottle is also decorated with “lovely decoration simple” around it. He turns around, tosses it on his hand, and looks at the Wither*
TTPG: Go back to hell and go surf the shitty internet there instead, you dipshit.
*The Wither sped at TTPG in a desperate attempt to kill him, but TTPG threw the potion onto The Wither’s final head, destroying it, which in reverse also completely removed all of the Gangsta’s fatigue, restoring all of his health. TTPG stood as The Wither crumbled into black dust and a white, glowing star-shaped object. TTPG picked the star up and looked at it*
TTPG: The Nether Star! One of the most rarest items in Minecraft history, gotta keep this shit safe just in case I use this in some day. Like, making a magical shrine or some shit, who knows.
*The Mind reappears on the Gangsta’s computer screen*
The Mind: Oh geez, that was quicker than I expected, my proud Gangsta boy! I just excused off the meeting to take a piss just so I can congratulate you! Oh, and nice Nether Star, too.
TTPG: Shut the fuck up. I just got into a fight with The Wither for that, I hope you enjoyed it you piece of shit. Now, can I be fucking done here already?
The Mind: No, no, no, you “silly human”. Did you forgot ANOTHER story you need to review to get your pay?
TTPG: For fuck’s sake, Minecraft Hell Edition is already making me want to puke. DID YOU SEE HOW BAD THAT LAST STORY WAS?!?! I think I can’t hold on, can’t I get a rest for like 30 fucking minutes?!
The Mind: I’m sorry, but this is your job. You gotta do the other story. Did I forget that you’ll be getting another para-demon to look over you to make sure you do your job?
TTPG: YOU ASSHOLE! Whatever, this room is a mess now anyways and I’m too fucking lazy to fix it up.
The Mind: Then GOOD for you, you lazy bastard, because I’ll just leave you here to continue reviewing while I get back to continue the meeting about the discussion of post-truth on Earth and fourty one other alternate universes. See you later, sucka!
*The Mind glitches itself off TTPG’s computer screen yet again, leaving TTPG staring at the screen, absolutely dumbfounded, but then he got interrupted YET AGAIN when Komachi Onozuka crashed through his computer screen as TTPG barely avoided.*
TTPG: What……… the hell?
Komachi: *stumbles back trying to get up* Oh, hello there, human boy. I was tasked to keep you on reviewing a shitty story am I right? Or, do you wanna die and go on my little ferry ride?
TTPG: SHUT UP THERE FOR A SECOND. You aren’t gonna fucking threaten to kill me if I don’t review the story, are you?
Komachi: Ah, don’t be so upset. I’m not here to kill you. But rather, you can either just sit here in your persistent sadness, reviewing a shitty story that will scar you for life, or you can take a one-way ticket to heave-
TTPG: STOP IT WITH YOUR TALKING ABOUT DEATH AND OTHER SUCH BULLCRAP! *Takes the half-full Pepsi can on his computer desk and takes a small gulp* Okay, I’m good now. So, what ARE you really gonna do?
Komachi: I’m going TO watch you review that shitty story, I enjoy watching humans LIKE you cussing and shouting on shitty stories so much, don’t you agree?
TTPG: …Fine, if that’s cool with you, I had to fucking review shitty stories anyways. But, it’s a deal, you gotta do something for me too.
Komachi: Go on, just don’t involve cards in them or something, I REALLY suck at them.
TTPG: …Can you give me my waifu Nue back?
Komachi: Oh, Nue Houjuu. That weird alien girl who likes to pull violent pranks on humans, no wonder she’s been acting weirdly lately. So YES, I’ll take her to you with the best of my abilities, but you need to JUST review this shitty story.
TTPG: Are you fucking ser… whatever, fuck it. Keep your fucking promise, okay? Otherwise, you’re gonna be in REALLY big trouble…
Komachi: *walks over to TTPG’s bed, before starting to lie down on it* Sure, sure, boy.
TTPG: Whatever, fuck it. Now let’s get on to the second story. Anyways, “Touhou 14” is a half-assed pile of garbage shat out as a result of attempting on making Touhou creepy, then it emerged out as this linear, boring-as-balls monstrosity. It’s SO linear, that no other words can be used to describe it because it’s as vague as the fucking Touhou storyline in itself. But whatever, with that all set we’re going to ferry through this pile of crap quickly. So, with a few more cans of Pepsi ready, here we go! This is “Touhou 14”!)
I had always prided myself on being two things; rather fearless, and rather good at games. Any game I owned was guaranteed to have been completed on hard mode, no matter what the time span took to reach the end. I would charge headfirst into a fight and had successfully disarmed an attacker who would have otherwise stabbed me. (Ummm……… I think I have a FEW concerns here: 1. Why in the fuck would you tell us that you’re fearless and good at games on a story that’s fucking titled “Touhou 14”? Can’t we just get straight to the damn story for fuck’s sake? 2. What the fuck is about you charging headfirst into a fight and how does EVEN REMOTELY that relate to the story at all? You could just fucking say that it’s some shitty metaphor for whatever the fuck that was that nobody gives a rat’s ass about! 3. Why are you still writing this story?)
I prided myself on those two things.
I also prided myself on my Touhou achievements. (Did you just realize how much waste of a time that was? If you remove the “also” in this sentence and the two previous paragraphs, then you JUST made this story suck less by like 1%! YOU HAD ONE JOB, AUTHOR. ONE JOB!!)
To those who haven’t played the Touhou games, they are a series of vertical shooters where you dodge bullets (Wait, what, are you fucking serious?) whilst firing your own to progress through seven increasingly difficult stages, with a boss at each stage. (Oh for fuck’s sake, not this shit again!) There are nearly twenty games in total for the entire saga. (…………By far, this is probably the story with the second worst slow pacing ever, next to Gajardo.wmv or whatever the fuck that was. If you remove this ENTIRE paragraph, then this story JUST has became less shit by ANOTHER BIT OF 1%! HOW DO YOU SCREW BASIC WRITING UP?!?! *quickly takes the Pepsi can before gulping it down slowly*)
I had beaten all of the Touhou games, including the PC-98 games. You name it, I had cleared it on both Hard and Lunatic modes. Subterranean Animism, Mystic Square, Double Spoiler… all that were in my Touhou folder were cleared.
You can imagine my excitement, when, out of the blue(s brothers), my friend (let’s call them A(sshole)) tells me they’ve found the demo for the newest game, Touhou 14 (This story brings up the name of whoever the protagonist’s friend is, then never mentions it again for the rest of the story…………… So why EVEN bother bringing their name up? Their gender ISN’T even mentioned, or the protagonist’s gender for that fucking matter! Even elements of this shitty story are starting to get pointlessly vague now!), even kindly enough providing a download link from Rapidshare. Legit enough, right? (Wow, as a reader I’d ask this asshole of a protagonist to stop insulting our intelligence if a fucking demo download from Rapidshare is legit or not! What, do you have no knowledge of official download sites?) Aside from I hadn’t seen users freaking out on Tumblr (WHAT? JUST…………… WHAT?! I understand that MOST of the Touhou fanbase may be located on Tumblr, but that would be like saying that all Death Grips fans are on Reddit. Seriously, not only not even into the ACTUAL story and the writing is getting vague as balls, but now the writer starts insulting the readers’ intelligence!), nor an official announcement on the Touhou Wikia. None of that penetrated my thick skull as I downloaded the file, though.
After an hour and a half of total download, unzip and install time, the folder sat innocently on my desktop. “Touhou 14”. This was nothing new; I only named the folders for my games with the English name, and as this was a demo, there was no English name. (By far, not only we have two pointless sentences/paragraphs into this story, but they keep coming back! Why in the hell would you idiotically shower us with information that was supposed to happen as normally as it does?! Let’s keep count of the bullshit here. POINTLESSNESS COUNT: 3) However, by this point the time had gone 10 PM, and college beckoned in the morning for a 6 AM start. I shut down my laptop and readied myself for bed, barely drifting off into a fitful, dreamless sleep.
When I awoke, there was still murky, residual darkness outside, viewable via the window opposite my bed. Flipping open the mobile phone I keep on my bedside table, the screen illuminated the time blindingly into my dark-habituated eyes; 4:44 AM. (OH NO, NOT THE CURSED NUMBER AGAIN!! I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING OFF THIS SINCE I ESCAPED FROM THAT FUCKING STATE!!) With a groan, I rolled over back onto the pillow but to no avail; I flipped and rolled for seemingly hours with no success of sleeping. Giving in, I dragged myself out of bed for a shower and some tea, a ritual I had recently accustomed myself to. (POINTLESSNESS COUNT: 4. If you remove the words from “there was still murky…” until “…Giving in,” then you JUST made this story even LESS SHITTY by about 2%! WHY IS THIS STORY SO FUCKING BLAND?!
*Komachi turns to TTPG, lazily lying on the bed on her chest reading a shitty yuri manga while farting, before starting to talk to him*
Komachi: What’s up little Gangsta? Tired of reviewing the story already? Want me to send you to Hell instead? Trust me, going to Hell is a better experience than reading-
TTPG: SHUT UP, I’M REVIEWING THIS SHITTY STORY DAMN WELL AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!)
By 5:59 AM, I had eaten, showered and was in the process of blowdrying my hair before dressing, when the flashing blue light of my laptop caught my attention. Strange… I’d switched it off the night before. Giving my newly dried hair a shake and a drag-through with a flat brush, I toggled the touchpad of the laptop, only to find I hadn’t pressed the “Off” option when switching off last night. (*facepalms* Dumbass writer, you just fucking said that this fucking protagonist just shut down the laptop in ONLY TWO FUCKING PARAGRAPHS IN, but HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS, DOES NOT ACTUALLY CLOSE THE LAPTOP?!?! *shakes the Pepsi can, drinks it for a bit, before continuing to rant* And also, the writer is trying to pass this flaw in the story by throwing an excuse in this sentence. But, ask me, who have heard of people pressing “the ‘Off’ option” to turn off their computer?..............................No? You must be on ROCKS!) No big deal, it meant I could fool around for a bit until 6:30 when I had to leave for the bus to college. It meant that, surprise surprise, I could give the new Touhou installment a whirl before Form. (To anyone reading this, could you please give me an explanation on what the fuck is that supposed to mean? “a whirl before Form”? I got a brief migraine while trying to figure out what the fuck is up with the “create a decorative item simple ’Lovely Decoration’” bullcrap)
Pulling a dress over my newly brushed hair and panties under the dress (OH, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. Why is the writer just telling us details about the protagonist’s gender now, which is vague in the entire first half of this story, when the fucking writer could just tell us HER GODDAMN GENDER in the beginning of this story?! Was that supposed to be FUNNY?! Or, I have a better idea. HOW ABOUT JUST REMOVING THIS SENTENCE SO THIS STORY CAN BE EVEN MORE VAGUE THAN IT ALREADY WAS?!?! *takes the Pepsi can and downs the entire can down in one gulp, before throwing it onto Komachi’s head* POINTLESSNESS COUNT: 5), I executed the file inside the folder; strangely enough, named in boxes where it would usually be named something along the lines of “TH14 Demo”. However, I assumed it to be the original Japanese text that my tottering unupdated laptop couldn’t read (Look, author. If you want to excuse a flaw in this shitty story, then don’t add adjectives that MAKES it obvious that this is a crappy excuse, that’s not how it works. Why couldn’t the protagonist just find and then add the Japanese Unicode characters to her laptop? Do I need to reiterate the logic fallacy bullshit from Splitters again? Oh, and also the author starts throwing this excuse up for the entire second half of this story. Once again, that’s not how it works.), and shrugged it off as I settled back down into the seat in front of the screen, black as the executable file booted itself up.
In seconds, the title screen was up, amazingly similar to the title screen for Ten Desires, but with no sound. I sighed, thinking it was an error in patching that deleted the music file; I’d had this problem with Perfect Cherry Blossom. (And this writer didn’t EVEN fucking tell us if her copy of Perfect Cherry Blossom was official or not! This story has reached new heights of vague writing! Also, why are you not getting suspicious by the fact that, oh, you know, it’s similar to the fucking Ten Desires title screen? Either this protagonist is the lost older sister of the main character from “Minecraft Hell Edition”, or the writer is so stupid they can’t even fucking understand basic writing) Starting up a new game, I was pleasantly surprised to find new playable characters; Flandre, Nue, Komachi, and Utsuho.
(Komachi: Pfft, these girls AIN’T got shit on me. Like you can ever name anyone who’s better than the glamorous and deadly Komachi Onozuka!
TTPG: It’s fucking ironic because AT LEAST even the dumbass writer got the strength of these characters right, you dipshit.)
I was even happier to see that these playable characters were what most fans would consider fairly strong characters, especially Utsuho and Flandre. (Um, why is the protagonist not suspicious of the fact that the entire fucking roster of playable characters are the bosses from previous games and not the usual Touhou protagonists? Which after basic fucking research of the Touhou series, anyone could get it right that the goddamn protagonists are Reimu and Marisa! Also, why is the fucking protagonist slacking off not even bothering to do research about this “game” at this point? Or is your computer SO faulty that your internet connection refuses to even work?! For fuck’s sake, storywriting is easy except if the writer’s a brain-dead retard!) Now, Nue had always been a favourite of mine (You and me both, buddy!), so my directional pad headed straight for her option. Hitting the Z button, however, yielded no result aside from a loud screech from my laptop.
(*TTPG just stares at the story in disbelief, before calmly taking yet another Pepsi can from his side, slowly opening it, then taking a slow drink of about half of the can, before saying:*
TTPG: Are you fucking serious?
Komachi: I told ya bud, there’s no one better than me, Komachi Onozuka, out there in the whole wide world, let alone Japan itself!
TTPG: When I get Nue back, you better prepare your ass because I’ll ask her to beat you up after this.)
Stupid thing, I thought, it must have damaged the game file. (Um, you could just………………well, you know, redownload the file to fix the issue! Again, storywriting IS easy except if the writer’s a brain-dead retard!) I got the same result from Flandre and Utsuho, leaving me with little hope that Komachi would work.
Amazingly, her option agreed with my laptop and stage one fired up. But again… there was no music. The normally vibrant background colors were dullened, boringly enough. However, when playing FPS games my laptop tended to sometimes mess with colors, so I paid little heed. (*facepalms* And again with the case of shitty writing, the colors don’t fuck up just because your laptop is made out of greased shit, it’s because of either missing textures or errors in the game’s code file! What, does this writer even has a grasp of how games work?) There were also no bullets to dodge; no fairies appeared, no midboss, only small cloud-like enemies floating across the screen. The minute I launched an attack on them, though, they fled, leaving a black box behind instead of the usual red power-ups or green point boxes. Upon collecting these… a strange thing happened. After I collected ten of these boxes the screen faded to black, making the loudest static noise ever. Jumping halfway out of my skin at the unexpected noise (My hand to fuck, even though this already describes the ACTUAL game, you could remove “There were also no bullets…” to “…at the unexpected noise” and it’d at best be EVEN less shitty by 1% because of how inconceivably boring that was. POINTLESSNESS COUNT: 6), I simply held down the power switch to turn my laptop off. Catching sight of my clock on the wall, the time read 6:25; probably time for me to go. College awaited me.
When I came home that night, I started up Touhou 14 again, hoping that cool-off time would improve the game. (……………This is, by far, some of the most idiotic sentences that’s been ever said in this story yet. Seriously, your shitty computer needs to cool down……… just to improve a faulty game?! Wow, does this fucking writer even have SLIGHTEST knowledge of basic technology FOR CHIRST’S SAKE?!?! *starts uncontrollably chuckling and doing a facepalm at the same time, before picking up his Pepsi can and sipping it frantically*) This time there was music for the title screen; however, it wasn’t a ZUN-type sound. (NO, NO, NO! SOUNDS ARE DIFFERENT FROM MUSIC, YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG, YOU DUMBASS!) It was more several title themes all played over each other… I took it as another quirk of the damage my laptop could inflict on games. (Again, I’d make a witty comment about that but I’m too busy questioning the author’s logic on how technology fucking works) This time, however, there was no character select after the title screen. There were no controls at all; they were taken over by the computer, as though in demo mode. It controlled itself as it moved Komachi across the screen, attacking all that came in her path in a rather uncharacteristic way for Komachi. (And……… I need to know that because? POINTLESSNESS COUNT: 7
Komachi: Oh please, like everyone doesn’t know I’m a slacker shinigami who KILLS people for no reason! You got THAT all in your head!
TTPG: Oh, shut up. I’m NOT even sure if you or the writer is the dumber one either)
In another strange move, all enemies fled her. The background looked rather like the inside of Yukari’s gap as shown in the fighter games like Scarlet Weather Rhapsody, extending so far that the bomb, life and power counters were hidden. (Or, if you aren’t an idiotic excuse for an author, you could just say that the fucking sidebar isn’t present! Why does this author has the balls so big they want to shove their “knowledge” straight up our throats? “No way, I wanna feel like being fancy, but I got THAT all in my head!” Also, why is that even necessary? POINTLESSNESS COUNT: 8)
The next shock came when the boss of the level showed up. A very stressed-looking Shiki appears, warning Komachi to turn back. Not too surprising since there was no aforementioned incident and Komachi has a job to do, right? (But what if Komachi has her day off and the entire game is just her going over to buy some sake? In that case, then the story is 50% BETTER than the pile of dead ass that we’re reading right now!) Before any back-and-forth could occur between the characters, as is the norm, the game launched Komachi forward, causing her scythe to cleave her boss in half.
I sat staring, dumbfounded, at the screen as blood seeped from the halved pixels, spreading over the screen until the gap-like background was obscured by red.
(Komachi: Heeeeeeeeey, Gangsta. Do you enjoy my fine handiwork? It’s not the best I’ve ever did yet, but I could turn you into one if you want!
TTPG: Look at my face and tell me what I’m scared of. The story, or the fact that this story is shit?)
The game handed control back to me. I shook as I carried onto level two, confronted by some fleeing fairies. Again, they dropped black boxe(r)s… however, this time, there was no static sound. I was transported directly to stage two, a setting that resembled the flowing lava of Subterranean Animism stage six. (Aaaaaaaaaaand with that, why the fuck is the “fleeing fairies” part even necessary? Did the writer just shoved that part out of their ass because they have no fucking idea how to make this shitty story even remotely coming close to being any scary? POINTLESSNESS COUNT: 9) This time, a visibly irritated and fearful Rin appears, warning Komachi that to go deeper is a danger even she wouldn’t approach. Komachi’s control was taken from me at this point; again she was launched into the kasha (What the fuck is a kasha?), slicing the girl’s head from her shoulders. My trembling increased as a split frame appeared on my screen long enough to print-screen it; (It’s a fucking split frame, which in context SHOULD only appear for like half a second…………………………… SO, how in the fuck did you manage to actually print-screen it, let alone having the fucking time to actually react to it? Or, the writer’s idiocy is SO high, they reached new levels of shitty writing and can’t even fucking distinguish the difference between “split” and “long”! WHAT DRUGS WERE THEY ON WHEN THEY WROTE THIS STORY?!?!
Komachi: They had sake, my friend, we went on a “spree” after having a booze party together, and it was SO fun.
TTPG: Everyone who’s smart knows that they’re on drugs MORE fucking heinous than that. Also, bad joke.
Komachi: At least everyone knows I don’t make jokes WORSE than yours.
TTPG: …………………………Shut your fucking mouth, that joke was still shit.)
upon minimising of the game, and pasting of the screenshot into MS Paint, the frame appeared to be that of what looked like a young cosplayer, about fourteen years old, dressed as Flandre. Her cosplay was cut open shoddily down the front, exposing her… with the shards she used to decorate her wings with impaling her chest and abdomen, and what seemed to be broken bone sticking out of her right arm. Blood took up most of the shot. (Who’s scared yet? A picture of a dead cosplayer with blood and gore splattered everywhere pulled out of the ass for shock value? I’d say zero. Moving on!)
Bile started to rise in my throat as I realised just what kind of game this was. I deleted the image (for what reason? If it’s an image of a REAL AND DEAD cosplayer, couldn’t you just save the image to send it to the police so they can find out who murdered her? No? You NEED an example? Go and read VENTING Download on Creepypasta Wiki, it’s actually a good video game creepypasta (even if it is a bit clichéd) and comparing this fucking story to THAT would be a disgrace) and tried to exit the game… but there was no exit command. Alt+F4 would not work. The laptop would not turn off. (The writing is still finding ways to get worse. Way to shoehorn our plot devices, dumbass author!) The game didn’t show as being run on Task Manager; on the contrary, it showed only critical processes as running. (Wow, I’ll give credit to the fact that the author is at least ATTEMPTING to be smart about technology for once. But, there’s just one FATAL flaw…………………………………………… HOW ABOUT CHECKING THE “DETAILS” AND “SERVICES” TABS?! WHY IS THE WRITING SO FUCKING BAD?!?! WHY?!?! *throws the Pepsi can into the air, grabs it with his index finger and thumb, and takes a big gulp out of it*) I was faced with no choice but to finish the game. (If you were the protagonist in this situation, what’d you think you SHOULD do? Fold the laptop and take the battery out or unplug it? Call a paranormal investigator to deal with this shit WHILE keeping attention on the laptop screen? Just smash the laptop into pieces because it’s so faulty this protagonist might as well be more redeemable compared to the one from “Deathsune_Miku.exe”? Minimize the game so you can research about the game and find out how to exit it? NO, SCREW ALL THAT NOISE. This writer wants to shit the terrible writing of this story all over our faces, and they CAN’T even excuse it correctly! HOW DO YOU SCREW THAT UP?!?! FUCK! YOU! WRITER!!)
The format carried on as aforementioned for five more horrible levels, a myriad of different characters being slaughtered by what should have been a fairly easygoing ferrywoman;
(TTPG: *turns to Komachi* Is this writer serious?
Komachi: Yeah, if I’d say so myself. After all, we DON’T really kill humans for no reason, but dumb people KNOW we do.
TTPG: Stop fucking insulting my intelligence like how the writer of this shitty story did and……… I can’t find any witty insults in my head so I’ll just leave it at that.
Komachi: Good. Now go back to reading the story, dear.
TTPG: ………Seriously, I’ll beat you up if you don’t shut the fuck up.)
all three of the Mischievous Fairy Trio at once, Alice Margatroid, Aya and Momiji in the same level, Futo, Tojiko and Miko all at once, and the last level… Nue and Mamizou. My two favourites out of the whole game (SERIES, YOU STUPID FUCKING DIPSHIT, IT’S SERIES!) were dismembered before my eyes, even though they were only pixels.
(*TTPG looks back at the last sentence, then starts tilting his head down and looked at the screen in anger. He then slowly turns to Komachi and raised his right hand up slowly just to flip her off*
Komachi: Yeah they’re just only pixels.
*TTPG promptly slowly raises his left hand up, with the same intent purpose which is just to flip Komachi off. He did this until he couldn’t hold in his anger anymore, and started raging*
TTPG: DIE, YOU STUPID BITCH!
*TTPG takes the almost-empty Pepsi can from his desk, then launches it onto Komachi’s head with such force it knocked her down on the bed for a while and splattered soda all over her clothes. TTPG, relieved, turns back to continue reviewing the shitty story*
TTPG: Alright, that was completely fucking stupid. Now let’s continue.)
As the game carried on, the split frames appeared for longer amounts of time… making sure I could see the atrocities… (You know what, the protagonist from “Ihsoy” at least was EVEN smarter than the one in this story, because at least he bothered to fucking close his eyes when he sees a gruesome scene! Of course granted when some bullshit invisible paranormal forces weren’t trying to prevent him from doing so, that is. And that story WAS a complete and total mess. But seriously, the game is fucking playing itself at this point, so how could you fucking screw that up THAT badly?!) all Touhou cosplayers… after the Flandre then a Byakuren, her throat slit; an Utsuho, broken bones poking out from every limb and the neck at a sick angle… A Remilia with her intestines removed and wrapped ightly around her neck, acting as a noose. A Yuyuko with hands, feet, eyes and head cleaved from the body. A Yuuka impaled through the chest with several knives; a Hina whose face, legs and arms were badly charred, as well as a portion of the dress and some of the wig.The one similarity, aside from the complete lifelessness and youth of the girls, whose ages ranged from around nine through sixteen… was that the clothes were all shoddily cut open down the front, exposing far more of the deceased girls than should have been. (Wow, and the fucking author is also TOO AFRAID to just say that her breasts were exposed! What, are the writer’s parents strict, asshole lawyers that will sue them if they ever mention anything even remotely questionable in a story that’s obviously shitty? And once again, this story is still being fucking vague, because any normal person couldn’t understand that sentence if they tried, because the writer’s a fucking retard! And lastly, why are the descriptions of the dead cosplayers even necessary? Give a fucking round of applause to this dumbass writer! POINTLESSNESS COUNT: 10)
At the end of the “game”, the agonisingly slow blacking out of the image of the Hina cosplayer, came the credits… without any credits. No words rolled on the screen, only blackness, until where the usual end of the game would be.
“And special thanks… to YOU.”
I’m still not sure how fully the experience has affected me, but I certainly no longer pride myself on fearlessness. (The sentence that’s in the beginning of this story is now shoehorned in the near last paragraph just to attempt to make the story more intriguing. Real fucking classy. Also, adding to that, I’m SURPRISED that Komachi did not pop out of the laptop screen and then kill the dumbass protagonist, because she’s JUST so dumb that she’d deserved death by the point that she finished playing the game!) Anything red makes me vomit. (……………...Wait, what?.......Are you fucking serious? You played a shitty video game ridden with images of corpses for a few hours, and now anything that even remotely comes close to being red makes you throw up? Oh well, at least I think that’s a good excuse for saying that the author threw this entire story up at Christmas, I guess.) Anything Touhou makes me faint. I can’t hear the original soundtracks of any of the games without descending into a debilitating panic attack. (You’re not fucking serious, are you. That’s right, because this story is literally a gigantic pile of vomit and the protagonist is so dumb she doesn’t deserve any fucking sympathy from the readers. It’s just THAT dumb) I dream about the murdered girls, suffer flashbacks to their dead eyes. The police took away my laptop to search the file… but it must have done something to itself. The entire motherboard was completely useless, melted and corrupted beyond saving. (If we’re talking about the story, this story is definitely fucking useless, melted and corrupted beyond saving so much that it didn’t deserve to stay on the Creepypasta Wiki at all) The download link had disappeared from Rapidshare. (Um, I have a problem with this. Not because of how forced and blatant that was, but because…………… HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT THE LINK DISAPPEARED WHEN YOUR LAPTOP IS ALREADY FUCKED BEYOND SAVING?!?! *double facepalms on the desk for several seconds*) I see my therapist twice a week. She says I have post-traumatic stress disorder. (Why did you throw in PTSD in this story when the protagonist only saw- You know what, I’m fucking done with this stupid shit)
All I know is that I can see those dead faces, and will until I die. (And to close off this shitty story, we have a pointless sentence thrown in just so we can try to make sense of this bullcrap and miserably fail on doing so because, of course, the writer’s a fucking retard! POINTLESSNESS COUNT: 11. Oh wait, this entire story is fucking pointless anyways, don’t even know why I would even have a pointlessness counter for that matter. POINTLESSNESS COUNT: 12)
(So, that was “Touhou 14”, and, IT’S AWFUL!!!! This story is, if not the most, a REALLY inconceivably broken mess of garbage consisting of an amazingly linear plot, pointless bullshit, vague and shitty writing, a dumbass protagonist, painfully forced plot devices and flaws, explanation errors, and so much more. And if you ask me, you could be fucking licking the pussy of any girl from the Touhou series rather than reading this pathetically written story, or you could go and read Touhou 11 Incident on Creepypasta Wiki, that story HAS its own flaws but at least it’s actually tolerable and intriguing compared to this pile of trash in the guise of a “creepypasta”! But whatever, now here come the ratings!:
Scare Factor: 4/10 (The writer ACTUALLY tried to scare the readers in this story, but miserably fails to do so)
Plot: 2/10 (The plot also barely tries to escape the typical plot of a video game creepypasta, but is still shit and not worth reading)
Writing: 3/10 (My god, this story DOES have its own levels of shitty writing, but at least it’s not as frequent as Minecraft Hell Edition was)
Originality: 3/10 (It’s a creepypasta about a Touhou game. What’s not to like?)
Logic: 3/10 (The main protagonist IS completely stupid, but at least the writer tried to make her look smart)
Overall: 3/10 (Trash)
I don’t have anything else to say about this pile of trash, really. All I can say about this is just……………………WHAT?!?! I mean……………………………JUST WHAT?!?! I think we can all agree that this story is a pile of trash, so I can finally rest this fucking case. Anyways, Komachi?
Komachi: *barely wakes up after getting hit in the head by a Pepsi can the Gangsta threw at her* Yeah?
TTPG: Can you make your damn promise and take Nue back to me yet? I’ve been starting to really miss her.
Komachi: What are you talking about?
TTPG: Wait. No. Don’t tell me that you aren’t going to give her back to me.
Komachi: Of course why would I? I DON’T take loved ones to their mates, you silly. I TAKE dead people to the judges of the afterlife, didn’t you forget already?
TTPG: HOW DARE YOU! All of my tragic past, hardships and bullshit, it all just drains down into nothing. My life has always been a fucking lie since the school bullies at fucking elementary school. You, Komachi……………………… You……………………. WILL PAY FOR THIS, YOU LAZY BITCH!
Komachi: Huh? That’s cute, sweetie. Show me what you got, or I might even just get hurt myself.
TTPG: That’s it, bitch. It’s on.
*Both of them engaged in epic battle poses, then the Heian Alien song started playing for some reason, but the rendition was so shitty it sounded like a bunch of arrangements overlaid on top of each other. Komachi started flying onto the ceiling of the Gangsta Room, before summoning black cubes around her, before starting to shoot them at the Gangsta’s general direction in a complex pattern, prompting him to avoid quickly*
TTPG: HEY! How the fuck can I fight you when I have no fucking weapons?
*TTPG attempts to avoid the black cubes shot by Komachi, when one hit him on his arm, causing the cube to disintegrate not before emitting an ear-piercing static noise which the force of the noise knocked him down onto the wall, hurting him. He stumbled as he attempted to avoid the black cubes and find something to attack Komachi*
TTPG: GODDAMMIT, WILL YOU STOP BEING A PUSSY AND ACTUALLY FIGHT ME ALREADY?!
*TTPG was desperately trying to find a way to actually attack Komachi when one of her black cubes hit a red bag he somehow had in the room, causing it to vomit out a bunch of Pepsi cans. TTPG got an idea, and picked up two of the Pepsi cans, before throwing both of them onto Komachi’s head one by one with precision, causing them to explode into fleeing fairies. Komachi got knocked down on the floor, and TTPG walked over to Komachi on the ground*
TTPG: Seriously…? Well then, I’m sending you back to Hell!
*TTPG attempts to kick Komachi’s head, but then she rolled over to the side, gets up, and tried to launch herself at him, but the the Gangsta avoided, causing Komachi to crash through his window.*
TTPG: Goddammit, not ANOTHER window broken today!
*Komachi disappeared for a while, probably hoping that cool-off time would improve her strength. Then, she quickly fled at full speed towards the Gangsta Room, but then crashed headfirst onto the wall besides the window she was attempting to get into. TTPG poked out of the window, forcibly grabbed Komachi and pulled her into the room, before starting to punch her in the face about three times before throwing her down onto the ground*
Komachi: You………… are pretty tough… for a human. But I’ll see if you can handle THIS!
*Komachi pulls a spell card out of her ass, not before summoning a senseless barrage of projectiles that resembled hyper-realistic blood, intestines, knives, bones, body parts and other such clichéd crap. TTPG ran trying to get the Pepsi cans to throw at her, but the projectiles kept distracting him.*
TTPG: Komachi, you’re REALLY giving me a hard time! You really do!
*TTPG finally got his Pepsi cans, and tried to aim it on Komachi but the presence of the projectiles made it hard for him to focus. Until, the shitty music somehow made Komachi descend into a debilitating panic attack. TTPG used this as an advantage and threw the two Pepsi cans on Komachi’s head, knocking her down on the floor completely this time. TTPG walked over to her*
Komachi: You may have defeated me, but I’m a motherfucking shinigami, you can NEVER ever truly kill me except-
TTPG: Then how about THIS, you bitch?
*TTPG takes the Nether Star he hid in his desk and then aims it on Komachi. She stumbled as she attempted to get up to attack the Gangsta, but to no avail. Somehow, the Nether Star charged up some kind of power, until it reached it full power. And then, the Gangsta shouted:*
TTPG: F-BOMB SIGN “CRITICISM SPARK”!
*Suddenly, the Nether Star fired a laser beam powered with the pointlessness gathered from the Touhou 14 story at Komachi, causing her to eventually weaken and turn into a dead cosplayer as Komachi’s spirit travelled back into Sanzu River to undergo cool-off time to regain her form. The dead cosplayer eventually disintegrated in a few seconds*
TTPG: Wow, that was totally pointless indeed. Now what?
*The Mind finally appears on the Gangsta’s computer screen and talks to him*
The Mind: Wow, that took a longer time than I expected. But at least you should be proud of yourself, you just successfully reviewed two shitty stories! Do you have a migraine yet?
TTPG: Wow, no one ever make me read shitty Touhou stories again. Also, I just got into YET another fight, so I better get to fucking rest this time from reviewing terrible stories, or otherwise I’m going to seriously hurt something.
The Mind: Yeah, if that’s fine with you.
TTPG: So will you stop fucking around with me yet? You got your revenge, and that’s all you asked for.
The Mind: Who said I was going to continuously torture you? Pretty much what I do else then is being a supporting character because that’s my whole purpose in this series, anyways.
TTPG: And how did you know that… whatever, fuck it. Anyways, after all of that stupid crap, we have finally come to the conclusion that these stories are exactly shitty the way they are. They’re so fucking atrocious, that again, you could put a fucking lump of shit besides these “stories” and guess what? THEY’RE THE SAME THING! With horrible writing, dumbass protagonists, vague and pointless plot points, zero effort, linear and boring storyline, and SO much more, not even an actual lump of shit could fit these corns inside because those shitty stories are JUST so shitty it’d be better off just setting the whole thing on fire! I think we got enough migraines for today, anyways, so excuse me as I go and listen to Death Grips’ new release Steroids because AT least they can actually calm me down of anger if I were to be exposed to these pathetically written lumps of crap! I’m the Tragic Trollpasta Gangsta, and I’m always watching you trying to PvP other players on Minecraft servers
The Mind: Hey, Gangsta, I just got some GOOD news right here!
TTPG: Seriously? As just about when I’m going to listen to Death Grips?
The Mind: You probably won’t believe me because everyone in this fucking world do anyways but just listen to ME for a minute, okay?
TTPG: Alright, fine, just make it quick.
The Mind: Well, GUESS what? The author of Sonic.exe was planning on making a rewrite to Sonic.exe and said that he’s going to release it on the date of Halloween!
TTPG: …………………Wait. What. Are you fucking serious?
The Mind: …………………………………..Sadly, yes.