Author’s Note: This pasta was suggested to me by Godofmemez! Thanks for actually caring about the Critic! He was eating so much Ben & Jerry’s to drown out his sorrows, and you can’t stop him. Like, at all. The world would probably run out of Ben & Jerry’s if the Critic kept moping around. So thank Godofmemez for saving Ben & Jerry’s as we know it! –American Titan
(Hello, I’m the Creepypasta Critic! I remember it because it’s my name; what did you expect dumbasses? Do you remember The Powerpuff Girls? The show centered around 3 young, cute, upbeat kindergarteners that save the world before bedtime? There couldn’t possibly be anything scary related to that! .....Well, this exists. You know that this pasta is dead on ARRIVAL when you try to make something innocent into something scary. This subversion may be interesting to THINK about, but when you CREATE this idiotic, dumbass subversion into a horror story, you pretty much just wasted your free time. You need a scary setup to make a scary story. That’s like in Writing 101. But, I may be wrong. Let’s see if this writer has the brainpower to turn kind protagonists that are kindergarteners into something scary…..Oh wait, you could make the PPG scary! IF YOU DERAIL THEIR PERFECT CHARACTER! I’m just stalling, again. Let’s just read this crap before bedtime!)
One night quite a while ago, I was invited to dinner at a friend's house, who happened to be the nephew of Craig McCracken, the creator of Powerpuff Girls. (…..What are the odds!) The party was pleasant, and I was in for a surprise when Mr. McCracken himself was one of the guests. (…..What a coincidence! *sigh* How many more times will I have to say this throughout this “story”?)
As a teenage girl, I was absolutely obsessed with the show. I would hog the TV for the premiere of every episode, and yell at my younger brothers if they so much as said a word before the commercial break. (So, you favored the show over family members? Gee, that’ll bite you in the ass when you ask your brothers in the future for loans and shit!) Being a somewhat moody, spunky teen, Buttercup was always my favorite of the three girls. I loved her sarcasm and her edginess. (Buttercup is anything BUT tense, nervous, or irritable. And I got that definition for “edgy” off of GOOGLE.) Upon meeting mr. McCracken, I had told him what a big fan I was, (Just don’t blow on his food while he’s eating! Oh, quit booing me!) and that I was ecstatic to meet him, but he seemed very uninterested and was speaking in a vague, rushed tone, (It’s not like…Craig has other shows that he’s currently producing right now! No, he has to pay attention to only you!) no matter what we were speaking of. I supposed it was because of all of the show's fans could be quite annoying, (Just like you.) so I backed off.
Somewhere a bit later into the night, Mr. McCracken left hurriedly, not noticing that he had left a small envelope with a single disc inside. (Why would Craig be carrying around a disc for any reason? I can understand if he just bought a disc from Walmart and forgot to keep it in the car, but if he has something to hide, there’s no reason for him to just keep it dangling out in his jacket.) I looked around quickly before taking the disc, thinking of the possibility of this being another cartoon invented by the genius behind the Powerpuff Girls. (“YOU FORGOT YOUR DISC! YOU FORGOT- Craig’s secret CD! The emblem of me stalking him my entire life! For 16 years, this disc has prevented the fall of Cartoon Network.....and my life. I can't believe I'm actually holding it in my hands! I could have a redeeming trait as a protagonist and call him up about it, because I probably know his phone number……….” *rushes into bedroom to watch CD* “Or not!”)
After the party was over, I rushed home (Even the pasta’s wording makes this protagonist seem like the devil’s anus!) to see what this mysterious disc had in store for me. With my hands trembling, I lifted the shiny disc from the envelope, and my heart fluttered with delight when I saw that the DVD had "Buttercup.avi" written on it in purple sharpie. (This doesn’t look suspicious at all!) Buttercup, as I said before, had always been my favorite, (Thank you for reminding us about something we just read! Because, as the writer clearly knows, everyone who reads this pasta is an idiot!) and I was incredibly anxious to watch this episode, that for one reason or another, had not been released, but left next to a chair at a dinner party. (Wow, this protagonist must have mind powers! She must have known that the DVD had a PPG episode on it without even seeing what was on the disc!) I put the disc into my DVD player, and it started instantly, no title screen, no credits, nothing. (“…no title screen, no credits, nothing.”…………..Um, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT? Was it trying to…scare us readers? Because first off, that cliché has been done to death, and secondly the episode on the DVD might have been a rough copy. Also, our horrible protagonist couldn’t have known that the episode had no credits as credits come after the episode…..UNLESS WE FUCK LOGIC AGAIN AND SAY THAT IT WAS HER MIND POWERS. IN THAT CASE, IT’S PERFECTLY FINE.)
The episode started off oddly. The colors had been dulled down to an almost sepia tone, and the house looked all wrong. The windows were busted out, and the walls looked dirty. There were small, reddish-brown footprints going up the wall to the middle upstairs window. (And you didn’t stop watching, because?.....Go on, please explain why you’re continuing to watch this DVD!) Confused and creeped out, I continued watching. (………………….That’s it?...No explanation at all?...You’re just watching it because the plot demands it?.............FUUUUUUUUUCK! THIIIIIIIIIIS! WRIIIIIIITER!) The camera zoomed into the house, which looked even worse than the outside. Professor Utonium was sitting on the floor, sobbing. He looked up into the camera, his eyes looking too realistic for even the most advanced animation at the time, (Oh god, this pasta’s gonna use every cliché in the book, isn’t it?) and had this horrid, pained expression on his usually smiling face. "Buttercup, what have you done?! What have you done to your sisters?! Why?! WHY?!! WHY?!!!" He sounded genuinely like someone that had lost everything, and my heart hurt for him. (Why? Utonium hasn’t done anything yet for you to give your sympathy to him. For all we know, he might have been trying to kill Blossom and Bubbles, and then Buttercup swooped in and took them to a safe orphanage.) Behind him sat the corpses of Blossom and Bubbles, horribly mangled. (Oh…………….well YOU COULD HAVE SAID THAT BEFOREHAND!) Blossom was missing one eye, and photorealistic blood dripped from her empty socket. Her limbs were broken and twisted at unnatural angles. Her heart had been cut out and laid beside her, and blood stained her pink dress where her heart had been. Bubbles was killed in a similar fashion, except for the fact that both eyes were missing and shoved down her throat, and her legs torn off. (Yay. Forced character sympathy returns from the Arthur’s Sucky Day series.) Disturbed more than I had been in my entire life, maybe, I began to feel sick to my stomach, but I knew I had to keep watching. (………………………………………..BECAUSE?!?!?)
The camera then cuts (the cheese) to Buttercup, whose eyes were also very realistic, like Professor Utoniums. She had an unusually heartless, bitter look in those all too realistic green eyes, and a twisted smile on her face. (OOH, GOODY! HERE COMES THE CHARACTER DERAILMENT!) She was stained with blood from head to toe. She tilted her head up very slowly, then a maniacal laughter left her mouth, ringing throughout the room and my mind.
"Didn't you see it coming, professor? (Not at all. I was never expecting a writer so incompetent to write this shit.) I'm sure all of our adoring fans did." (No, not really. I did not expect this piece of crap to even make it to the Trollpasta Wiki.) She spat, sounding disgusted at the words 'adoring fans'. (“How dare people enjoy idolizing me!”) "They were so annoying, with their constant happiness, their love of always being in the spotlight, always being nice and good and perfect. (Who is Buttercup talking about? The fans of your show? Because I doubt that any of them are in today’s spotlight…..except for me, of course!) I hated it! For years, it disgusted me, but not anymore, Professor, not anymore!"
Professor Utonium continued sobbing, and the horrid sound got louder and louder until a green streak with a silver glint flew across the screen. The professor's disembodied head then flew at the camera, his eyes staring directly at me for the remainder of the video before cutting to black. (Such magnificent comeuppance! The Professor totally deserved to be killed because he was crying over something horrid to him!)
Thinking it was over, I went to turn off the TV, but I stopped when I heard the sounds of screaming and singing. (“I just NEED to see every simgle goddamn minute of this horrible, scary video! ……….I’m a plot device!”)
Blossom and Bubbles' screams were quiet, (HOW CAN SOMEONE SCREAM IF THEY’RE DEAD?!?) as Buttercup's voice was loudly singing "Hush little babies, don't say a word, (They can’t. They’re dead.) Momma's gonna kill you and make you burn, and if those corpses just don't burn, Momma's gonna bury you beneath the furns." (Isn’t a furnace where you burn things?) Though the words were cheesy, the sound of Buttercup singing and the eyes of her and the Professor (and the shitty writing of this pasta) still haunt my dreams.
(So that was “Buttercup.avi”! Weren’t you scared? Because I sure am. I’m scared of this writer. If the writer makes any more “pastas”, I’m going to scream in agony! With horrible writing, a horrible tool for a protagonist, horrible character derailment, horrible logic, and so much more, I think we can all agree that this was a huge pile of horrible. Let this useless creepypasta rot into obscurity in it’s well dug grave, because that’s all it’s good for. Hopefully it can reach the center of the earth! I’m the Creepypasta Critic, and if you’ll excuse me, I have to hug my old Bubbles plushie from 1999.)