(Hello, I'm the Creepypasta Critic! I remember it because it's my name; what did you expect, dumbasses? Well, I just remembered to look at all the messages I was going to have on my message wall after I told you fuckers to message me some bad creepypastas that I could bitch on! But, no one messaged me....................WHY MUST I LIVE KNOWING I'M NOT LOVED? *sobs* WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?)
4 months later...
(*sobbing loudly and sniffling loudly still* -YOU KNOW WHAT? TO CHEER MYSELF UP, I NEED TO READ SOME ENTERTAINMENT! YEAH! READING ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP! *sits down in chair* And what better things to read and shit on than something which involves a bearded mistress who kidnaps children at her own enjoyment and one of the saddest stories to ever see the light of day on this dumping site for stories? At least, that's what the titles are telling me! So, without further ado, let's stop my sobbing over loneliness and stop me damaging my immune system to no end, this is "The woman who has a beard and hunts little children after they finished their Warband campaign" and "Saddest Story Ever"!...Damn, the former had a long title. And I forgot the extra caption at the original title's end!)
Ever heard of the game "Mount and Blade Warband"? (........No?) No? (You and me both, buddy!) It's a game where you kill dudes (often thousands and millions) (Don't you just LOVE where the video game industry's going? Instead of making more Dynamite Headdy and Battletoads games?) and take over a whole fucking continent. (I don't think that even a dictator could make everyone on a continent fuck at the same time. Oh, quit booing me!) Usually a campaign takes 9000+ hours (Oh, look idiot children! IT'S A DRAGONBALL REFERENCE! A MUTHAFUCKIN DRAGONBALL REFERENCE!) so the chances you will actually complete the game is 0,00043%. THE MORE YOU KNOW!!!! (Fun fact: Determining the odds of beating a game always warrants a PSA satire in any pasta that you write.) So yeah. Rumors began around websites that if you complete it you will be hunted by a bearded woman for the rest of your life. When this myth became popular little kids with no life began testing it, (So, because some people in the world want to see the end of this game by beating it, that automatically confirms that they have no life? That's like saying people who like Uncle Grandpa are automatically as brain dead as the protagonist..... I hate Uncle Grandpa to no end-BUT I respect all different opinions from mine!) because who else would actually play a 9000+ hour campaing? (Oh, I bet you would have much more exciting things to do during that time. Like buying sessions off of every girl in your local strip club.) Seriously. So when the conquered the whole world the players began to (the) disappear. (Geez, did Starfire just take over writing duties on this pasta?) The police investigated and found no clue what caused this, other than the kids computers exploded as you started them up. (And the policemen who witnessed these computers exploding died soon afterwards of glass screen intake by breath or accidental stabbing by glass screen! Think through your implications wisely, young one!) The police eventually gave up. But one day a 3 year old gamer came forward and said to the (m)asses that he had been followed by a "bearded woman". This is what he said.
"so i was lik completing teh gym mount and bend warbandz (Look. Dumbass writer. Just because the person speaking is a 3-year old doesn't mean that he should be near incomprehensible. I know that that's the fucking shtick but at this point I DON'T FUCKING CARE!) and i wus lik just sem(en) hours awy from completeing et. (phone home) wen i completed it i suw somting utsi (OK; what the FUCK is this little shit saying? As a reader, you need comprehension as a necessary element in anything you write! A KIRBY FUCKING FANFIC and ARTHUR'S FUCKING SUCKY DAY were comprehendible!)and i was lik "WAT TEH FUUUUUUUK". (A 3-year old saying "What the fuck!" Classy.) i closed mah windowz and doorz and everytingz and that. ten i herd somting caming up mah stairs and i was lik crying under teh bed cus i wus scured. ten mah door opend and i saw a women with beardz! (Woah! A woman with multiple beards? And I thought a woman with one beard was deformed!) i wus scured and began to cri. teh womanz heardz meh and she walkdz over. i kicked her in dah balls and ran down. (If a woman has balls, I'm pretty sure she wanted you to play baseball or tennis with her.) ter i hid in fridge, cus #yolo, and wus ther for lik 3,53 minutes. (What a very specific time for someone stuck in the fridge.) ten i herd teh woman againz and she walked to meh. i saw her berd betr naow, it loked lik blakc n stuf. (Such a vivid description for the readers to paint a picture of the beast in their own mind!) ten she walked forwurd and i was lik "WUUUUUUT TEH FUK" and smased mah window to get out. i ran out n suw teh woman stil following meh. i ten saw a police car and toward et. teh police man tok meh to dah police statiun and ther i wus safe, or so i tught. teh lights went out n ten on agyn. teh police men wer ded and ter was teh woman agyn. i wus lik "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" and stuf. i did a ninja kik in dah fac and seh wus ded, or so i thught. so wer on dah flor lik, wel yknow, and then she walkd towardz meh. i scremed lik a gurl and pissed mah pants. i kicked her again and seh wus ded, maybe. i ran out and ter was no wohman. tat was teh last tim i suw her."
The 3 years old gamer now lives in an asylum ("That's what you get when you speak up...") with his bodyguards to be safe, or so the other news people says. His tale got front news everywhere and all the police in every country, except North Korea and Uganda, imprisoned all the bearded women in their territory (North Korea and Uganda is too cool for that shit). (North Korea is so COOL! Especially because they imprison people until death for saying EVIL things about Kim Jon Fat Fuck!) By 2345 all bearded women should have been eliminated if scientist are (flawless grammer.) correct. The rest of the missing children still remains a mystery. The woman was not found and is probably still lose in the real world (She didn't really lose. She did what she wanted and got away with it.) and is capturing more kids. Wait, I SEE HER OUTSIDE MY WINDOW! SHIIIIIIIIEEEEEEET! (YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!)... Sleep well kids..
YOU'RE NEXT! (Oh, joy! We're ending on a cliche! Well, after that brainless trainwreck, I hope that the Saddest Story Ever will have me in tears!)
One day, in Teletubbie Land, (We're off to a GREAT start here!) err I mean on earth in Warren, New Jersey. I am in my house, and see a old roll of tape, it is labbled TELETUBBIE.EXE. (Just make sure the tape still has its stickiness before being used for packaging.) Due to my stupidness, instead of putting it in the video player I show it in my fishtank. Killing my pet frog, R.I.P MLG 420 snoop frog, we miss you(not). (Well, that death was fast. ARE YOU CRYING YET?) My fish tank turns into a TV and it starts playing, the screen showed a message that says, YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP COMFTORBALLY EVER AGAIN, like I said, my stupidness chased me to play it, (Deus ex stupidness!) it shows the regular teletubbie intro. But their house has a satanic design of a wooden spoon. It was 2spooky4me, but I kept watching. The teletubbies were different. Tinky Winkys name was "Mlg retard that faps to shrek making sweet love with his gurl frendd named DUMBLEDORE!!!" (Long name.) and had a dorito pope hat with a illuminati design. Po's name was "Poo" and was smoking pot. (I think Po's new name represents the writer of this pasta!) Dipsy was a fat autistic child (Wow! The comparisons continue!) who wants evrythingg in the world and goes to after school events to get "extra credit", his name was "I like black men having sex in front of me that seduces me making me massivlyy fap 300 times per second" and had a dunce hat with a satanic DUMBLEDORE symbol. Lala was ugly and had a nose like squidward, her name is "I watch you masterbrate". The man that says Teletubbies sounds more demonic than he already is. The episode is going on okAY, until the teletubbies had a gang bang to summon the sun with a baby face, but has a old man pedophile face instead. It make the teletubbies listen to its ear rapeing chant, that probalyy meant "GO RAPE EVERYBODY WHO HATES TELETUBBIES AND ALSO MAKE HOWTOBASIC SUCK ON YOUR EGG SHAPED PENIS". (Props to the negative HowToBasic comment, but ARE YOU CRYING YET?!?) They jump out the TV screen and start loading their penis shotgun that shoots out green goo that mutate into naked shrek the ogre penises. (Yep. This all makes sense now. I understand. I can cope with thi- I SWEAR THAT IF I FOUND OUT WHO MADE THIS CRAP, I'M KILLING HIM TONIGHT!...OR HER!) I, who is scared runs away and comes outside and I lock the house, until the windows break and the green goo comes out like a waterfall. The green goo turns into (WARNING: THIS NEXT PART IS SCARY!!!!) (We shouldn't worry then, since nothing in this story came close to being scary! Or SAD, for that matter!) a giant green bean with a shrek head. I scream like the little bitch I am. (My god. It's like the story is centered around the writer! Quick, tell the press!) The teletubbies shoot a blob at my face, paralyzing me. I wake up, it turns out this was all a dream (*slow, deadpan clap*) I had when the long shit took so long to come out I fell asleep. I get scared, the toilet paper roll is empty. (I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I'm glad this asshole of a protagonist gets some comeuppance!) I shreik like a little girl. Then some austraillain African pedophiles come out of my bath tub and stare into my soul and kill me. (Oh, please, I would just be DELIGHTED if in the final two words of this pasta, you would just say your name so I would who to murder for creating this hunk of shit!) BY BACONPIG (I'M COMING FOR YOU, BACONPIG!!!)
(So that was "The woman who has a beard and hunts little children after they finished their Warband campaign" and "Saddest Story Ever". Did they entertain me out of my depression that caused me to take so long for this story?
*loud sobbing, screaming into a nearby pillow and sniffling*
YA KNOW WHAT? NO! NO THEY FUCKING DIDN'T! AND GUESS WHAT? THEY MADE MY SUFFERING EVEN WORSE THAN BEFORE! It's one thing to make stories based on what you personally feel in your life, or if you just want to be creative. These stories are not from the heart nor creative. They both have no reason to exist! And, you know what? The writers of these two pastas shouldn't exist either! If they choose to hang themselves in front of me, that would make me happier than if they hanged themselves in their own bedroom! With NO EXPLANATION on what's going on, PURPOSEFULLY confused emotions, horribly written dialogue, discrimination against readers who like to COMPLETE VIDEO GAMES, and grammar typed up like if Snoop Dogg himself made a creepypasta after smoking his signature weed, it's no wonder that I've never heard anyone talk about these gigantic landfills that humans have the nerve to call "entertaining stories"! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to cry and scream in a McDonald's to scare customers away from eating their shitty food! I'm the Creepypasta Critic, and if you forget my name, then I'll murder you slowly while you sleep! I just hope Baconpig forgets my name.)