(Hello, I'm the Creepypasta Critic. I remember it because it's my name; what did you expect, dumbasses? Today, I have some freaking GEMS for you today. Although this time, these two stories have nothing in common with each other, and none of them were a FOTM! It's about time that lazy ass critic finally researched some horrible pastas. The first story is a fanfic called "A Kirby Fanfic". That title must have taken hours to come up with. With A Kirby Fanfic, I'll show you what's wrong with many fanfics. And yeesh, "wrong" is a MILD word to use for what NSFW, graphic shit lies inside...*shudder* fanfics. The second story I'm diving into is "DEATH DAY", which is a cheap Trollpasta thrown together with horrible, uppercase nonsense that the writer calls "words" to overall make it's reading experience generic. Which means that eating a Twinkie will be a better experience than reading DEATH DAY. A vanilla Twinkie, at that. Also, DEATH DAY is so bad, that the pasta was translated into English INSIDE OF THE PASTA. So, let's not stall any further for this review, because that's what I've been doing throughout this entire intro. Let's start reading A Kirby...*sigh* Fanfic.)
Here's a REAL fanfic (Oh...joy!) (it's Kirby btw, get prepared to have your childhood destroyed) (The Mario franchise was and still is 10 times better, anyway.)
It was a very sunny, happy day in Dreamland. Like always, Kirby was walking around Dreamland, eating evil, or even helpless and harmless peeps. (1. It's not common in this story, but get ready to read some grammar that gives Adventure Time a SLIGHT run for it's money! 2. Why did you say "helpless AND harmless"? Pick one or the other, dude.) Kirby walked to find King Dedede's house. "Hey, we haven't talked to eachother in a while, so how 'bout it?" Kirby said to himself. (OK. I know that this is a FAN fiction, and changes are going to be made to the source due to everyone having a different perspective of the source, but WHY ARE KIRBY AND DEDEDE FRIENDS? It makes no sense! I'm really trying to look at another fanfic for this Creepypasta Critic, I really am!) He used his mask to knock on his door. (SMOKINNNG!) He then waited for a response. The door opened. "Kiiii(i)irby!!!" exclaimed the King. "Come in, you arrived just in time! I have hot chocolate ready! "Oh boy!" said Kirby. (Where was the ending quotation mark for K. Ddd's line?) "I'm thirsty!" While walking into his house, he noticed an inflated sex doll on the counter. (Hi, terrible pacing!) "OH! I-ignore that! That, is... um... my friend's doll! Heheh." Kirby seemed confused why he had a MALE sex doll, even though he is a male. Kirby thought he could be gay. (BEING GAY IS SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE BORN WITH! IT'S NOT A CHOICE! ARE YOU FUCKING STONED?!?) "Alrighty, I've got hot, hot, hot, hot chocolate!" (Did K. Ddd mention that the hot chocolate was hot? Because it is.) Kirby drank faster than you could say, "Poyo!" (Can someone tell me in the comments what "poyo" means or where it came from? My brain was permanently injured when I worked my ass off trying to find out what the Kefka laugh sounded like.) King Dedede said to him, with a blushy face, "W-would you please come into my bedroom?" (What could possibly go wrong in this situatio- ah, who cares?) The King had a 50/50 chance of success. He didn't know if he was gay or not. (If you're the king of somewhere, I'm pretty sure you're rich. Hire a gorgeous man and a beautiful woman to lap dance for you and see which one gives you a boner. Don't impregnate your former enemy! Seriously, though, why are they friends again?) "S-sure, I guess..." Kirby said, with also a blushy face. Dedede led Kirby to his bedroom. "Go onto the bed," (...) said the King. "You might have been tired after all that walking..." (.....) Kirby jumped onto the bed. Kirby said to the King, "King Dedede, I-i have something to tell you..." "Go on," the King said, curiously. "I'm gay." (Yippee! It looks like Kirby finally DECIDED on his sexuality!) Kirby said. "PERFECT!" King Dedede yelled. "Will you have sex with me?" "Sure." Kirby said. (Fanfics...are just full of disgust. Like, if you've seen that horrible episode of Family Guy (which is a terrible show) where the father tries to marry his son for money, that episode is tame compared to what you are about to see. By the way, if you do not know what occurs in sex or do not want to know, this parenthesis is your last chance to back out of this story and go down to "DEATH DAY". Just look for the words "The End." after the next paragraph. I am dead serious about graphic, NSFW sexy action going on in this next scene. OK. For those who stayed, let's proceed.) The King then proceeded to take off his clothes, revealing his dick and ass. (The writer could have been mature about sex and have said "penis and rear end", but then the story wouldn't have been so hip and edgy.) Kirby then whipped out his dick.
(Here's where the "fanfic" part takes place) (The stuff I just read wasn't BAD ENOUGH? LOOK AT ALL THE CRITICISMS I MADE!!!)
The King told Kirby to put his dick in his mouth, and he did just that. Slowly, they both moaned sexually. (I'm moaning as well, and I'm not even having sex!) Both their dicks hardened and grew, while cumming.(Why did the writer EXPLAIN that their dicks hardened and grew? We as the readers knew that already! It's like the writer knows that the pasta is bad, and he wants to shove it's horror in our faces.) Kirby took his dick out of King Dedede's mouth. Kirby lay on the King's growling belly, and he enjoyed listening to the somewhat sexual sound. (Fuck vibrators! Growling bellies turn ME on! Hold on a second. I'm not turned on enough. Better get some Popeye's chicken!) He then rubbed his dick all over the King, covering him with cum. The King did the same. They both kissed, in an EXTREMELY sexual way. (And I ranted at the story even more in an EXTREMELY loud voice.) Once again, Kirby lay on the King's growling belly. He knew that he was hungry, and Kirby had the fetish of vore, so he said the unthinkable. "(The unthinkable." Oh, quit booing me! In the line that I edited out, Kirby actually wanted to be EATEN by K. Ddd. So, it appears that Kirby realized that his life is useless and that he wants to commit suicide.) King Dedede replied with a brave "Yes." Kirby climbed his body, and crawled into his mouth. Dedede closed it. Before going down the throat, he rubbed his dick all over the mouth, covering it with cum. (What did Kirby do that for? Did want to orally impregnate K. Ddd?) Kirby was covered in saliva, and then went into the throat. He slowly fell. "Mmmmmm..." King Dedede said. "You taste so amazing.." (...He...is...tas...ting...cum.) "I bet I do." Kirby replied. Kirby made his way into the belly, and enjoyed it. He stayed there forever, his new home. (Until he slowly died due to K. Ddd's stomach acid. While Kirby was dying, he bled out an EXTERMELY huge amount of blood. May nobody miss Kirby ever.)
(So that was A Kirby Fanfic, and.....What's that?.....I forgot to do DEATH DAY?.....Can't I just rest this pasta off?.....I promised to do DEATH DAY in the intro?.....You guys owe me big time!)
SO DIS ONE DAY, DERE WAS DIS GUY, I TINK HE WAS A HOBO, AND DEN HE DIED. (Of what? If you're not going to explain what killed the hobo, than death must get you rolling on the floor in laughter!) AND DEN DIS GUY DROVE PAST IN HIS TRUCK. HE SAW THE DED HOBEO AND DEN HE DIED OF A HART ATECK. (*sigh* What the fuck am I reading?) AND HIS TRUCK CRASHED INTO A SCHOOL, AND DA TRUCK EXPLODED, AND DA SCHOOL CAUGHT ON FIRE, AND EVERYONE IN DA SCHOOL DIED (Now you're killing off little children in your pasta? Give this writer an award for comedy!) LIKE DA GUY IN THE 1920S WHO BLUE UP DA SKEWL WITH DA TRUK. (Fun fact: Motor trucks were used to describe motor vehicles that carried heavy loads in 1916, but it's shortened name, that name being a "truck", was created in 1930. DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH!)
DEN, DEAD BURDS STARTED FALLING OUT OF DA SKY, AND SOME PEOPLE GOT HIT BY DESE DEAD BURDS AND DIED TOO. (How did lots of DEAD BIRDS fall out of a sky at a specific time? Did God just hate tending to the dodos in heaven and he kicked them out?) AND DEN A SKELETON POPPED OUT BUT DA SKELETON DIED TOO! (OK. I have to admit, that skeleton joke made me laugh.) BARAK OBANA, UPON HERING DIS TRAGADE, DIED! (You can't die due to someone SAYING SOMETHING TO YOU!) MITT RAMNE LAUGHED, BUT DIED OF LAUGHTER. DEN, AT NASA, A ROKET THEY LAUNCHED RAN OUT OF FOOEL, AND DA PEOPLE INSIDE DIED! THE ROCKET FELL TO EARTH AND HIT DA COMAND CENTRRR. EVERYONE IN DERE DIED, EXCEPT FOR A DOG, BECUZ YOU CAN'T KILL DOGS. (Yes. Killing dogs is against the law. But if everyone's dead, then WHY DOES THE LAW MATTER?) BUT DEN DA (HOT) DOG DIED TWO!
AT NORTH KOREEEAR, DEY DECIDED TO BOMB SEOUL BECUZ AMERUCA WAS DED. DEY KILLED EVERYONE IN SOUL INCLUDING PSY, (Yay, North Korea! You finally did something useful by destroying awful music!) BUT AT LEEST PSY AND DA STARCRAFT PLAYURS DIED HAPEY. DEN, EVERYON AT NORTH KOREAR DIED BECUZ RUSIA THREW NUKES AT DEM! IN RUSIA, VLADIMIR PUTIN ACCIDENTLY SHOT GERASIM'S BROTHER IN THE ASS. (Wait, wait, wait. ...THE WRITER BRUNG HAPPY APPY STUFF INTO THIS PASTA? As a reader of this pasta, Happy Appy is the LAST thing that I would be thinking about right now!) GERASIM HIT VLADIMIR WITH AN AXE, BUT GERASEEM GOT SHOT BY DA SPETZNENZNEZNSWEAZ. FREDRICK GOGOTE (WHO THE FUCK IS FREDRICK GOGOTE?) WAS SO HAPPY THAT GERASEEM DIED. BUT DEN A STRAY NOOK FROM CHINA HIT THE PLACE HE WAS AND FREDRICK AND HIS FOLOWERS DIED!
SOMEWHERE IND A ROOENS OF AMERICA, A BIG (SNOOP DOGGY) DOG TRIED TO PUBLISH A BOOQUE ABOUT HIS CREEATSHUN. BUT DEN HE DIED BECUZ PEOPLE HATED IT! (In terms of killing anything off in this pasta with grace, this death has to be an all time low. The joke did not even make me laugh, it was THAT low.) AND DEN EVERYONE ELSE DIED EXCEPT FOR PATRIXXX. AND DEN THE WORLD EXPLODED, AND DEN YOU DIED.
(So, THAT was A Kirby Fanfic and DEATH DAY. Now, A Kirby Fanfic was all that I said it would be in terms of it being horrendous. But DEATH DAY actually surprised me when I read it for a second time. Looks may be decieving, but I've learned from DEATH DAY to read stories twice before reviewing. The writer of DEATH DAY tried to make the pasta look cliche, but inside all of those uppercase letters, the writer at least tried to make a good pasta, and it came out to be mediocre at best for me. As for A Kirby Fanfic, there is no enjoyment in that pasta. Every word and every line in A Kirby Fanfic is pure, unfiltered diarrhea that was vomited up by Justin Beiber after he drugged himself with a speedball. Well, that's about it for this commentary. I'm the Creepypasta Critic, and if you forget my name, then I'll murder you slowly while you sleep!)