(Hello, I’m the Creepypasta Critic! I remember because it’s my name; what did you expect, dumbasses? Let’s talk about Sonic.exe, one of the most infamously bad creepypastas to ever be imported to this wiki that I refer to as home sweet home. For the first pasta I ever critiqued, it was a complete and utter mess, but at least the original author TRIED WITH EFFORT to make a scary and compelling tale. But at first glance on this piece of crap,…………do you really think the original author of the first one cared about this one when he put the words “ELECTRIC BOOGALOO” into the title? Was he purposefully aiming to get this one on the wall of shame that we call “Deletion Log Refugees”? Well, let’s see how much he gave a shit about this official sequel to the well-known tale, this is Sonic.exe 2!.............................................................*sigh* Sonic.exe 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!)
It's been more than a year now ever since the "Sonic.exe Murders" began to happen, (Moreover 10 episodes for me………………Hey, wait a minute! I tried to find out where the writer lived so I could murder HIM! I never thought of killing MYSELF after reading the first one!) and the police department STILL doesn't know who's doing it or why it's happening. The first murders looked as though the killer did a sloppy job at it, (Whenever I find and locate a bad pasta writer, I never do a sloppy job in murdering them! Except, I can’t seem to find any of them through my deep research………………………………………The only thing I use in my research is Google Maps and Facebook. DON’T JUDGE ME!) but overtime the killings--or at least some of the guys back at the station THINKS it's just killings (If you’re referring to multiple people who believe in the same thing, you say “think”, not “thinks”, dumbass.)--have gotten more elaborate; bodies have been starting to look like the victims just dropped dead (fred) or there were disappearances. ONE thing is certain, all the victims seem to each have a burned/destroyed computer with some data from a game called "Sonic.exe". (I’ve been down this road multiple times, so I’ll make it short and sweet: You know that realism kicks this murdering tactic in the ass, right? Or is the writer too busy partying in his own ELECTRIC BOOGALOO?)
None of us have found any connections or clues that could help us learn why all of this is happening (Oh yeah, there’s absolutely NOTHING connecting these murders together! Except…….maybe……..kinda…….sorta……….THE FUCKING SONIC.EXE GAME?)...Well, no, that's not true, there was one cop who may have uncovered more about the murders than we did.
The guy's name was Derek Green (Hill Zone), a really good detective, mainly because he was always teamed up with his sister, Chelsea. (Way to shoehorn in our protagonists!) They were assigned to investigate the "Sonic.exe Murders", I should know because I was their boss at the time. (Dude, you have an entire 10 page story to explain this to us in. You’re not trying to cram all of this information into a Looney Tunes short.)
They're both dead. (This shocking reveal doesn’t work because we can’t care about the protagonists, as they didn’t do anything to help out in the story yet!)
Sometimes I wonder if I should have helped him....I dunno (“The only two people whose names were told to the audience so far, meaning that they have a very special place in my heart, died. I’ll never be able to see them again in my life……………....Oh well, so sad too bad, I guess I should have helped them out in their hour of need maybe.”) ...Anyways, the boys have found Derek's diary when we investigated his apartment, he hasn't been in his home for weeks. (DUH, GEE! I WONDER WHERE DEREK WENT!) The diary recorded all of what Derek found in his investigation, my god, did he write down alot,
(Boss’s God: “’A lot’ is two words, not one. Boy, Derek sure was an idiot! Boss God, out!”)
especially after the Chief of Police took him off the case, and alot of what he wrote down seems to cconnect (“Ssssssorry, audaudaudaudaudience. I gottaaaaaaa bbbbbbad wwwwwwisp.”) a lot (My gosh, HE WROTE “A LOT” INCORRECTLY 3 TIMES? IN THE SAME FUCKING PARAGRAPH?!?!?) about what's going on with these murders...At least, I hope he was on to something... Here is what Derek wrote...
7:30 pm September 15th, 2011
Happy Birthday to me!
(This writing is lazy!
The writer’s a dumbass!
On him, I will go pee!)
I got this diary as a gift from my sister, Chelsea. (If you’re writing in a diary, why did you have to write your sister’s name out? The diary isn’t a living being and doesn’t have a brain.
*A living, breathing diary comes blasting through the window near where the Critic is critiquing this story, shattering it in the process*
Derek’s Diary: We diaries have weaker brains than you pathetic incompetents that society has deemed as being called “humans”, and as such we need as many constant reminders about modern life that we are able to get, thanks to our current obscurity due to advanced, man-made technology that your pathetic brains were somehow able to invent.
*The diary slaps the Critic with his hardcover behind. The Critic has a disgusted face and is confused beyond all belief as the Diary flies out the house through another window, shattering the new, perfectly functional window in the process*)
This will certainly come in handy when we both do another investigation. Oh, I forgot to tell you, name's Derek Green,
(*The diary overhears this as it was about to fly away from the area and sneaks over to the window again. Outside of the broken window, it chimes in:*
Derek’s Diary: Pfft, it’s not I could have just looked at the name my purchaser drew on my cover. No, please, tell me your name on EVERY PAGE!)
Critic: I thought you just said diaries need constant reminders about everything.
*The diary looks left and right quickly with a frown on its face (symbolizing verbal defeat), punches a third perfect window into useless shards, and flies away quickly to avoid consequences*
Critic: (shouting) Wait until I tell the cops that a LIVING DIARY broke three of my windows!)
I'm a detective...Wow, I'm not rly good at this. (At what? Being a detective or spelling “really” correctly?) Hopefully I'll get better as I write in this. Anyways, I'll let you know if anything else happens.
11:22 am October 24th, 2011
Wow, pretty interesting way to start off a case of Halloween. (………………Oh, honey, your writing is giving me a headache.) Our boss told us there's a stiff in one of the local suburbs and he wants us to check it out (with Dr. Steve Brule). Wow, been a while since me and Chelsea tackled a murder case, this might be interesting. (It MIGHT be? It’s a fucking MURDER CASE! Bring your best observation skills to the scene, dipshit!) We're in the truck right now and we're heading for the house.
Jesus...Whatever happened in this house I was not expecting. (Aw, that was Jesus Whatever’s sex shack! I hope you know he’s a homeless person, you cold-hearted bitch! Now where’s Mr. Whatever supposed to earn money and stay warm?) The victim looks like something ripped his mouth open and tried to yank something out from inside. I've seen alotta (UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH) messed up ways to kill a person*, but this is rather strange, I don't rly think any normal person would do this.
(*= Sourced from the TV show “1,000 Ways To Die”)
The cop present at the crime scene told us that the kid was like this for 2 days and his parents just discovered his body and called us in this morning. What's rly weird about this is that there's a badly made cut on his chest that's shaped like the number "1". (“Number 1 IN BOOGIELAND!!!”)
Chelsea told me she found a possible clue to the murder. She showed us that the victim owned a computer, the computer is badly burnt and wrecked.
(*The Critic slowly turns to look at Shitty Story’s corpse that he has as a trophy in his house. The corpse is badly burnt and wrecked from the time when the Critic killed him. The Critic then slowly turns back towards the screen of his own computer with a scared expression on his face*)
Both me and Chelsea have a theory to this: Either the killer destroyed the computer (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! THAT’S IT! I’M HIDING IN MY CLOSET!) or the victim did it himself, either way we sent it to the station for research.
Alright, the guys from the lab have their report.
They told us that the computer's wrecked from inside AND out, and what I mean by that is that (the computer’s five main emotions got lost in the Long Term Memory and were so desperate for death that they all committed suicide in the Memory Dump………………………No, I wish the writer had the balls to reference something amazing like Inside Out. Instead, the lab report said that) everything that was on this kid's computer is completely deleted while at the same time the computer got destroyed. (Woah! I never knew! When a computer’s destroyed, all the data on it’s deleted! What a novel and unique concept!) The only thing that seems to STILL be in the computer is some data from a computer game called "Sonic.exe". (Oh! The writer just contradicted himself literally in the next sentence! That’s………………………..ggggrreat!)
4:30 pm November 11th, 2011
A couple more murders these last few weeks, all the same killing method; dead bodies, torn open mouths, destroyed computers. (What? You live in a town where PSYCHOS kill people? You must live under a ROCK!) The more recent killings are looking less "messy", as if the killer is being more careful with tearing out whatever it is he's tearing out from inside these victim's bodies. There are also cuts on these victims' chests that seem to be in numerical order; "2", "3", "4", "5" and "6".
The killer seems to be keeping count of all the people he's killing. (The killer must really want to please The Count on Sesame Street.)
Had dinner, both me and Chelsea are brainstorming with what’s been going on… It’s really strange, the fact that computers are getting destroyed every time there’s a murder victim and we find that there’s some old data from the same game…
“Sonic.exe”….That name reminds me of all the times me and Chelsea played some of our old Sonic the Hedgehog video games. I remember when we used to play Sonic Heroes, (For completely grown up and matured detectives that have probably spent years in training, they sure do call a fairly recent Modern Sonic game “old”!) she always liked playing as Rouge the Bat and I always liked playing as Vector.
But…It’s weird…What does a Sonic game, a possibly fan-made one at that, got to do with all these killings?
2:45 pm December 2nd, 2011
Another murder, big surprise there. But now both me and Chelsea agree that all these murders are connected with that game. (OH, YOU DIDN’T NOTICE BEFOREHAND?!? BECAUSE THAT FACT WAS SO WELL HIDDEN, IT WOULD HAVE TOOK SHERLOCK HOLMES TO SOLVE THIS CASE!!!) Maybe the killer made it as his calling card? (Hmm…this number fiasco has to be fake…
*The Critic dials number into phone and calls it. He gets a “line is busy beep”, which is a beeping sound that sounds off at a quick pace*
HOLY SHIT IT’S REAL?!?!?)
The Chief told us not to worry so much about a simple video game and just stick with what’s going on with the murders. (Oh yeah! Because if something is linking your cases together, you should always ignore it and try to look for more evidence, even when THERE’S NO MORE EVIDENCE THAT YOU CAN LOOK AT!)
Autopsy came in again, the doctors told us that aside from the wounds from the chest and mouth, the victims don’t seem to show any signs of a murder or a struggle, in fact, as baffling as it seems, all the victims appear to be in perfect health, apart from the fact that they’re “dead”. (Well, at least the corpses in this story can’t express any emotions when they’re dead! I’m looking back at you, Buttercup.exe…..)
I airchecked the word “dead” because that’s where the report came out really disturbing; the doctors stated that they’re all in what appears to be in a Persistent Vegetative State,
(*The Critic pauses for a second to look at that line again, and then lets out a giggle* I just can’t help myself……
“THIS IS PVS!
meaning that these people are in fact still alive, their brains and hearts are still working, but they’re all in an empty, dead-like state, as if something robbed them of their minds or sense of self.
Chelsea stated it was probably one of the freakiest things she’s seen in her days as my partner, and I don’t blame her…
Who would be capable of actually stealing people’s senses of self? (Well for one, talentless hacks like Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, and One Direction.) It’s like the Devil is handpicking innocent people and robbing them of their souls for eternal damnation.
5:42 pm December 14th, 2011
Chelsea has been acting very strange lately. She seems quieter at work and whenever we go home she goes back into her room. (Eh, looks more like an Ipad/laptop addiction compared to paranoia…………….Wait a second……………I always type up my reviews using a laptop……………..….*The Critic stares with a worried expression into both of his hand’s palms* WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!?) I’m guessing she’s just as determined to learning more about this case as I am. (By gosh, she’s related to you by BLOOD, and you NEVER INVESTIGATE WHY SHE’S ACTING STRANGE? YOU’RE A FUCKING DETECTIVE!!!)
If she’s on to something, I hope she lets me knows first before we make it official. After all, we are a team. (No “We’re brother and sister!”? No “We’ve known each other since we were babies!”? Oh no, those would never do! You refer to your relationship with Chelsea, your SISTER, as “being a team”! A round of applause for this story’s writer, ladies AND FUCKING GENTLEMEN!)
2:00 pm December 19th, 2011
Chelsea didn’t go to work with me. Said she wasn’t feeling well…I’m starting to get a little worried for her. Ever since we took this case she’s been acting rather odd.
I dunno, maybe I’m overreacting, Boss (Is that REALLY his name? His name is “Boss”? So, when visited by Derek and Chelsea, it wouldn’t be odd if they called him “Boss Boss”?) told me to not worry about it and maybe just look into what she was researching on. I might do that.
Also, several news about people worshiping this guy recently. Calls himself “X”. I swear, the things kids will be into nowadays… (Was the X red? If so, I NEED TO MEET THIS GUY RIGHT NOW!!! *Teen Titans/Teen Titans Go fanboy squeal*)
9:30 pm December 24th, 2011
Almost time for Christmas, though I dunno if I should celebrate. (So, just because Chelsea’s down in the dumps, you aren’t going to spend quality time with the rest of your family on Christmas?)
Chelsea’s been shut up in her room almost every day. Not responding to me…I hope she’s alright…(You must have forgot that I put run on sentences in the original…Well, if you were stupid…and forgot,…I just wanted to…remind you…that…I…did.) Anyways, I’ve been looking into Chelsea’s work, and I think she might have found something.
Apparently the killer must be going after anyone who plays the Sonic.exe game. (*screams into pillow and takes a bite out of it afterwards*) And once they’ve played the game, the killer tracks them down, kills them and keeps count by carving the numbers onto their chest. But what about the fact that almost every victim looks as though they had their soul sucked right out of them?
Wait a minute…I just remembered something…
A few days ago, Chelsea came home from the store and went back into her room…she said she found a new game….
….Oh my god…Chelsea! (1. You automatically assume that out of every game ever made, Chelsea currently has Sonic.exe. 2. If Chelsea is finding out so much information as to why Sonic.exe is a horrible game and why it has the potential to kill people, then HOW BRAINDEAD DOES SHE HAVE TO BE TO PLAY THE GAME, THAT IS IF SHE EVEN HAS IT IN HER DUMBASS, IDIOTIC POSSESSION?!?!?)
(The writing is a bit sloppy (LIES! PURE LIES! All of the writing is sloppy!) and there are tears splotched here and there)
…..Chelsea is dead….She found the game (And you just made me lose the game!)…..Oh my god, why….
(God: Hey, it’s not my fault that she was a retarded moron. God, out!
Critic: You know what, this piece of shit took me multiple sittings to critique, so I’m just giving up for the moment. I’m done reading this bile. By god, it’s called “quality control” for a reason. Did the writer even do anything with the actual GAME IN THE PASTA’S TITLE? Of course he didn’t. That would require the slightest bit of EFFORT. *The Critic looks at the bottom of his computer screen to see another line of black letters. He scrolls down to find that the story isn’t quite over yet.*